I'm not who I was...

I finally bought a ring back tone. When I have some minutes on my phone you should call and listen to it. I promise not to answer so that you can hear the whole thing. Don't leave a message though because I'm telling you now...I'm too cheap to check it. The decision to have a ring back tone was easy. All the cool kids have them. The decision as to what song to select however, was agonizing. I am here to tell you that I thought about this for a LONG time. As referenced earlier in this paragraph, I'm too cheap to spend $2 on a song that might not be exactly what I am looking for or that might convey the wrong message to the receiver.

So I picked the song "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath. Here's the video in case you want to listen (and I suggest you do) because the message of the song is really powerful and the tune is really catchy.

Okay so now lets look at how appropriate this song is. A year ago I was in a different place. Physically, emotionally, spiritually... just different.

Physically I was in the house with my kids and my ex husband. The situation worked for a while. It made fiscal sense and it gave me an opportunity to spend a lot of time with my children and to trust that their dad, while I may not always agree with his method of execution, really does have their best interest at heart. As of the start of the new year however, I'm in a new place with my friend and her two kids. I miss my kids constantly. I need for them to know that. My heart aches for them and I want to be with them but it's just not working out that way right now. I don't know whether this is a trial run to see how we do 3 miles apart in case I have to move 300 miles away, or whether God is just getting me ready for the eventuality that they'll be leaving for college and their own lives soon. He definitely knows me best and He knows that I have a hard time separating from people and things so this may be His way of doing it gradually to keep me from losing my mind in a couple of years. He knows what He is doing. I trust that!

Emotionally I was in a completely different place last year. I wrote that I was talking to someone that I thought was very special. He is special. He is, as predicted, a tool that God put into my life to help me understand what it is that I'm looking for in a partner. And what I'm not looking for. I feel like I'm more emotionally stable right now and that I'm "almost" ready for the person I'm supposed to be with. Sometimes God allows us to experience things that prepare us for the bigger picture. Some people say that "everything happens for a reason."

Recently I feel like God and I went on a test drive for the new relationship thing and we kicked a few tires. New guy was shiny and pretty and smelled good but there was something a little too familiar about him. He reminded me of the previous model with whom I have all these kids. The experience taught me that I am still not quite ready because I wanted it too much. I was willing to overlook the signs that I was stepping into a relationship that almost identically mirrored my previous marriage. While I can appreciate that a lot of what failed in my marriage was my fault, I have absolutely no desire to repeat the process and try to fix what went wrong. I'd prefer to start fresh if possible.

Spiritually...I am a work in progress. This time last year I was looking forward to going to a new church that was about to launch on Jan 25th. I paid for a chair for $30 on the internet which turned out to be the best thing I ever could have done. Because of that chair, I felt like I had a right to be there. Of course I would have had a right without purchasing the chair but I took some ownership in the church and it helped me to overcome some fears about going into an unknown situation and feeling comfortable there. I'm sure that when Jeff Murphy realized they weren't going to have chairs he probably panicked and prayed about how to get some in the building. But because of God's plan...he gave us a way to claim our little piece of property in the physical sense that got us in the door and gave God a chance at our hearts.

MyChurch is about to celebrate it's first anniversary this Sunday. I told Niki a couple of weeks ago that I've been thinking a lot about how much I love MyChurch. I mean literally...it is my church because I am God's child and I am a part of His congregation. It's not about the building. I like that we don't have a permanent physical place that is massive and awe inspiring. I know that when I go on Sunday that I am being touched by God and not by an architectural firm. I know that wherever we end up...in ten micro churches with a mega vision... I will always call MyChurch my church. The church is not the building...it is the people inside.

I'm sure I'll think of a million different ways that I could have expressed this later on today. For now though, just listen to Brandon Heath singing and smile...