I'm not who I was...

I finally bought a ring back tone. When I have some minutes on my phone you should call and listen to it. I promise not to answer so that you can hear the whole thing. Don't leave a message though because I'm telling you now...I'm too cheap to check it. The decision to have a ring back tone was easy. All the cool kids have them. The decision as to what song to select however, was agonizing. I am here to tell you that I thought about this for a LONG time. As referenced earlier in this paragraph, I'm too cheap to spend $2 on a song that might not be exactly what I am looking for or that might convey the wrong message to the receiver.

So I picked the song "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath. Here's the video in case you want to listen (and I suggest you do) because the message of the song is really powerful and the tune is really catchy.

Okay so now lets look at how appropriate this song is. A year ago I was in a different place. Physically, emotionally, spiritually... just different.

Physically I was in the house with my kids and my ex husband. The situation worked for a while. It made fiscal sense and it gave me an opportunity to spend a lot of time with my children and to trust that their dad, while I may not always agree with his method of execution, really does have their best interest at heart. As of the start of the new year however, I'm in a new place with my friend and her two kids. I miss my kids constantly. I need for them to know that. My heart aches for them and I want to be with them but it's just not working out that way right now. I don't know whether this is a trial run to see how we do 3 miles apart in case I have to move 300 miles away, or whether God is just getting me ready for the eventuality that they'll be leaving for college and their own lives soon. He definitely knows me best and He knows that I have a hard time separating from people and things so this may be His way of doing it gradually to keep me from losing my mind in a couple of years. He knows what He is doing. I trust that!

Emotionally I was in a completely different place last year. I wrote that I was talking to someone that I thought was very special. He is special. He is, as predicted, a tool that God put into my life to help me understand what it is that I'm looking for in a partner. And what I'm not looking for. I feel like I'm more emotionally stable right now and that I'm "almost" ready for the person I'm supposed to be with. Sometimes God allows us to experience things that prepare us for the bigger picture. Some people say that "everything happens for a reason."

Recently I feel like God and I went on a test drive for the new relationship thing and we kicked a few tires. New guy was shiny and pretty and smelled good but there was something a little too familiar about him. He reminded me of the previous model with whom I have all these kids. The experience taught me that I am still not quite ready because I wanted it too much. I was willing to overlook the signs that I was stepping into a relationship that almost identically mirrored my previous marriage. While I can appreciate that a lot of what failed in my marriage was my fault, I have absolutely no desire to repeat the process and try to fix what went wrong. I'd prefer to start fresh if possible.

Spiritually...I am a work in progress. This time last year I was looking forward to going to a new church that was about to launch on Jan 25th. I paid for a chair for $30 on the internet which turned out to be the best thing I ever could have done. Because of that chair, I felt like I had a right to be there. Of course I would have had a right without purchasing the chair but I took some ownership in the church and it helped me to overcome some fears about going into an unknown situation and feeling comfortable there. I'm sure that when Jeff Murphy realized they weren't going to have chairs he probably panicked and prayed about how to get some in the building. But because of God's plan...he gave us a way to claim our little piece of property in the physical sense that got us in the door and gave God a chance at our hearts.

MyChurch is about to celebrate it's first anniversary this Sunday. I told Niki a couple of weeks ago that I've been thinking a lot about how much I love MyChurch. I mean literally...it is my church because I am God's child and I am a part of His congregation. It's not about the building. I like that we don't have a permanent physical place that is massive and awe inspiring. I know that when I go on Sunday that I am being touched by God and not by an architectural firm. I know that wherever we end up...in ten micro churches with a mega vision... I will always call MyChurch my church. The church is not the building...it is the people inside.

I'm sure I'll think of a million different ways that I could have expressed this later on today. For now though, just listen to Brandon Heath singing and smile...

Aloha, Y'all!

I didn't want to go to church this morning. I was in a bad mood. I was irritated that I wasn't getting any responses to text messages. I was feeling sorry for myself. And I was having a bad hair day. Add to that the fact that we were having a luau and I was wearing a shirt that instantly added 10 years to my appearance. It was just not a good thing.

Sent out a text message to "the man with whom I spend a lot of time" (TMWWISALOT? TMW2ISALOT?) which said, "I don't want to go to church." No response. "I guess that means that there is something that I really need to hear that the devil doesn't want me to hear." No response. "Fine. I'm going. I'm already wearing the shirt."

Jeff talked about how the stuff that the devil did to mess with people in the Bible is a little antiquated since we have all new ways for him to mess with us now. He didn't mention technology specifically...but let me tell ya. Nothing plants the seeds of doubt like failed technology. Think about how many relationships have been ruined via text message. It used to be folks waiting around for the phone to ring but now...texts.

But I digress. When I got to church I instantly felt better. Ugly Floral shirt and all. Got to see my Rachel. Found Pam and Julia, and Allen's grandparents. The band was rocking. And then I saw her. Standing in the center aisle next to the third row on the right. She was about 2 1/2 years old. Couldn't tell a whole lot about her because it was dark, but it didn't matter. She was HAPPY! She was dancing! She was really getting into the music and she was full of joy! Pam and Julia leaned out to watch her dance. The people in front of us were smiling at her as well.

When the time came for the message to start, her mom took her back to the nursery. Obviously she just really likes the music and wants to be a part of that. Who can blame her? (If you've heard our band, you know what I mean!) At the end of the service, her mom brought her back in for the last song. And she danced some more.

I sometimes suffer from Baptist Arm Syndrome which make it difficult to raise my hands higher than shoulder level. I want to be that kid. I want to be so full of God's love that I'm willing to go all in and not care what it looks like to throw my hands up in the air and dance around in joy.

If that means wearing floral print shirts...so be it.

It's only an island...

Definition of irony: Noun: The expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.


Irony rears its ugly comic head in my life all the time. I never planned to have kids...and I have four. I never planned to have to use a computer...and I'm rarely away from  mine for more than 6 hours. I have a degree in business...but God wants me to help people have babies.


This latest twist is making me look at life in a whole new way, though. Since I was about 10 my favorite movie has been Jaws. I love EVERYTHING about this movie. It is the best movie ever made in my not so humble opinion. It is the ultimate story of man overcoming his fears to accomplish a goal. Best line in the whole movie (and my philosophy on life) is what Brody says when Hooper asks him how a guy who hates the water can live on an island. His reply?


It's only an island if you look at it from the water.


Seriously? How DEEP is that? It's all in how you look at things. If a problem looks insurmountable, look at it from a different direction. 


But I digress...So because of this whole Jaws obsession, I have often joked that it is written into my contract that I don't go to the sharks' office and they don't come to mine. I'm just not a beach girl. That being said, I DO think it is a beautiful place and I greatly enjoy a frosty adult beverage while sitting by the pool or in an air conditioned condo LOOKING at the beach. I just don't want to go into the ocean. At. All.


This is a conundrum for many of my friends. They go on cruises and feel bad for not inviting me. Not a problem...I don't want to go. The sharks WILL find me. The mere planning of a beach vacation on my part brings about stories of shark attacks in the very city I was planning to visit. As a result, I spend a lot of time alone during the summer while my friends are off enjoying the sand and surf.

Now for the irony: The man with whom I have been spending a great deal of my time wants to live on an island.

Does this mean that he is not "the one" for me? No. I really don't think so. What I think is that God wants me to abandon the fear that has held me back for so long. Not just the fear of the ocean and the creatures that live in the depths, but the fear of relationships and of leaving my life in Columbus. I feel "safe" here and that isn't necessarily a desirable state for growth. I want to grow. I want to experience all that life has to offer. I want to live the life that God wants for me. Even if that means catching babies on an island somewhere.


After all, once I'm ON the island...it's just land with some water nearby!

The Woo Hoo Girls

This blog post came from January 2, 2009 and was originally titled "The Notebook...Computer" I changed the title to "The Woo Hoo Girls" mainly so a friend could find it easily, but also because this post was the beginning of a great concept that I had for a women's group. It may STILL wind up being a Growth Group one day!

I was talking to Niki last night and we were discussing how some people are concerned with the quantity of pictures of ourselves that we have amassed. Seems like some people think that it's because we suffer from low self esteem or have no self respect because we share pictures of each other with friends.

Well of course my first response was... Why does it matter to you? What effect does my having a lot of pictures of myself have on your life? It must be nice to have your life so well organized and taken care of that little things like how many pictures another person sends out can affect your mood. I mean... one must be pretty together and have very little to worry about if I'm on their radar right?

Then I thought... Wait a minute. Don't people with low self esteem hide from pictures? I post them because I think they look good, not because I think I'm ugly or fat or whatever. I think that I probably have a little too much self esteem if anything. LOL I certainly have more than the average person. WAY more than people my size usually do!

I've always said that this picture thing started when I realized I was turning 40. I never thought I'd get this old. Seriously. I didn't think I'd make 30 either though so... But right before I turned 40 I got to thinking that I'd better take some pictures so I can remember what I looked like when I wasn't old. (Because 40 is old! LOL)

So then...when I started taking the pictures with the phone and figured out how to get them on the computer, taking them all the time became second nature. If I'm having a good hair day or have done something with my makeup that I want to remember...I'll take a picture. Or if I'm having a good time and want to remember it forever...I'll take a picture.

The reason the pics are of me and not of everything around me is twofold. One is because it's a phone people. It doesn't take good pictures from farther away than an arms length. It's not even a GOOD phone like Jo's! You get what you get with phone pics. And since I was raised at Olan Mills, my head automatically cocks a little to the side and tilts forward whenever I see a camera. And the other reason is that because with all the crap I've been through, I need to be able to look back and say "See? You CAN be happy! You DO know how!"

So anyway...I said to Niki "When I am older and more demented than I am now, will you bring my laptop and show me pictures every day to try and remind me that I used to be your friend?" I told her that every day she can bring the pictures and read me the emails and tell me about this girl who loved being around people and who liked to laugh and smile. And when it finally dawns on me that this girl she's talking about is me I will throw my hands up in the air and shout "Woo Hoo!!" because I will have remembered that deep down I am a "Woo Hoo Girl!"

I think I should get cardio points for how long we laughed about it. Definitely worth 10 crunches because my stomach was aching from the laughter. But it felt good. I wouldn't trade it for the world. In fact... If I hadn't been on the phone with her? I'd have taken a picture of it.

So tell me? What are you doing to remember this time in your life? Edie Brickell sang it "Good times bad times give me some of that"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ8muQ0PMJU

Live a little. And take some pictures. I want to see!

Things I Can't Say To You...

This post originally appeared on my blog on Dec 4, 2005. Anything that seems relevant to anything going on today...isn't. I just wanted to revisit some ideas and this was one of them. So don't go getting all angst-ridden over this text. They're just words. LOL

Do you know the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone? Let me tell you what I think it is. I think that loving someone is unconditional and there's nothing you can do about it. People fall "in" and "out" of love all the time. But when you really love someone it doesn't go away.

 

You can love someone but not be "in love" with them. Does that make sense? You love your parents. You're not "in love" with them. See the difference?

 

Shouldn't we love people? Isn't that a good thing? Why then, does it get to be so stressful? Why does it cause pain to love someone? Why does it hurt to look at someone and want to tell them how you feel about them?

 

You should be able to tell people that you love them without them freaking out right? Or is it that people don't understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with them?

 

And here's the other thing... You can't pick who you love. There. I said it. Sometimes you love people that don't love you back. And sometimes you love people that you wouldn't otherwise have any relationship with. And sometimes people don't feel like you should love the person you love. Maybe that gets back to that whole difference between love and "in love" thing?

 

Why do we let it bother us? Why does it matter what anyone thinks about how we feel about someone? Why can't we love who we want to love?

 

Most importantly, why does it make some people feel bad to be loved? I'm sure it's because they feel guilty for not loving the person back. But why? Again... Because they feel that they don't understand that, while it takes two people to be "in love", love is singular. It doesn't take two people.

 

So if someone looks uncomfortable and you want to know why...maybe it's because they want to tell you they love you but they know you don't want to hear it. And they feel bad because they know that by doing the very thing that would  take the pressure off their minds and their hearts, that they'd be making you feel bad. And that making you feel bad is the very last thing in the world that they'd ever want to do.

Role Models

Role models. You know what they are. We all have our ideals of the people we would like to be. Sports figures. Celebrities. Religious icons.

Whose role model are you, though? I figured out last summer that people pay attention to what we say and do...and that they remember. During the class reunion planning I heard from people over and over that they remembered stuff that I had NO recollection of saying or doing. Luckily for me, they weren't bad things. Apparently I was a fairly decent kid and I said nice things to people. I can assure you that it was purely coincidental. What I wish is that someone had told me all those years ago, that people were listening...and watching.

Now...as a "mature" adult...I am very aware of this phenomenon and it makes me watch my P's and Q's most of the time. It makes me pay attention to how I act and the words that come out of my mouth...and from my fingertips. I do my best to make sure that what people see or hear from me, is positive and nothing that will come back to haunt me later on.

Have I always been this way? No. REALLY. No. Do I have regrets? Nope. I own my words and my behavior. Everything we go through brings us to where we are and frankly, I like where I am. If I hadn't done some of the stupid things that I've done, I wouldn't be who I am. I've done some really stupid stuff. Those things have taught me that grace is good and that I should have more of it for others.

I also know that none of us is beyond hope. I'm glad that I had some good people in my life to look up to, who weren't afraid to model good behavior for me. I pray that I will always have the foresight to choose good role models and that I don't wear them down with MY behavior so that they will keep me around. I'm a work in progress and I know that I need to constantly see good so I'll know what it looks like.

Another Driver in the Family

I almost can't believe it, but my baby girl is a licensed driver now!! When it was time for her to get her learner's permit I started getting nervous. My older daughter didn't start driving until she was 20 so having a 16-year-old behind the wheel was a daunting prospect for me. First of all, I'm not the world's most patient person. Unless someone is in labor, I have issues with patience sometimes. (Okay often) Also, her dad makes me look like Mother Teresa in the patience department so the thought of him yelling at her while she was dealing with a huge vehicle sort of put my nerves on edge.

Thank heavens for Barber's Driving School!! My little sister and my older daughter both went through the program there and they both are great drivers. In addition to our patience issues, we were really concerned about the new laws concerning teens getting licensed. We weren't sure that we would be able to comply with all the regulations in order to make her legal. Letting someone else who knows all about it handle all the details was SO much easier. In addition to her getting a great education, her dad is really appreciating the discount he's going to get on his insurance!

When we started this process last February, my daughter and I were both hesitant about her driving. Since she took the class and did her behind the wheel training though, I have been very pleased with how well she has handled driving in all conditions (night, rain, traffic, daylight) and her confidence level has reached an all time high. I could not be more pleased with our experience with Barber's.

Today she took her road test (at Barber's) and passed with no problems. There were a couple of things the evaluator wanted me to watch out with her which we discussed together. After she was done, we took the paperwork to the DMV and filled out one form while we waited for them to take her picture for her new license. The process was painless (except for the tugs on my heartstrings!) and over in less than half an hour.

When we got home, I took the house key off the clip and told her that her brother and I were going to go into the house but that I wanted her to drive around the block....alone. She practically squealed with delight at the thought of finally realizing this dream. So she drove off by herself...my pookie...and she drove around the neighborhood. Twice.