Parking the Karma

Giving Up To Get

2012-02-02T11:25:00.000-05:00

Lent is just around the corner! This year, Ash Wednesday falls on Feb 22. Every year, I try to do what I feel like God is leading me to do and every year I have one of those "Are you KIDDING me?" moments when I get that message from Him. This year was no different. I was sitting in church and I heard Him say... "Bread." Are you kidding me??? Bread? You know I don't eat vegetables, right? He said it again. "Bread"

Sigh... I can do this. Last year it was red meat. I managed to get through Lent without slipping up and that included at least three cookouts at the church AND St. Patrick's Day when Allen made me my own Reuben with no meat on it while the rest of our group was feasting on his yummy cooking. LOL

The year before it was fried foods. Again... I never thought I'd make it. Mainly because Fridays for me are all about the Fillet O'Fish and I had to eat grilled or baked tilapia. But I made it through. The year before that? Facebook and MySpace. Yes you read that right. I was okay. I thought my friends were going to lose their minds though.

I also give up caffeine every year but that's just kind of a no-brainer for me since I don't really drink it that much anyway. Last year it was everything besides water to drink. Might do that again but I'm okay with the water.

And of course I add something. Last year it was exercise...in general. This year I have a feeling it's going to be sit ups. That's the flash I got yesterday. I was not expecting that and I'm NOT good at them. But it makes sense.

Also... I'm going to blog my way through the Purpose Driven Life book. Haven't decided whether or not that is going to be a public or private thing. Anyone interested in doing it with me? Maybe a Facebook group?

For now though... let's talk about all the things I can eat while I'm not eating bread! I'm not being a legalistic stickler. I think it's just going to be leavened bread for me. Might cut back on the flour but this is more about obedience than about carbs. He doesn't want me to be miserable, but He does want to get my attention and this definitely has it.

I'm starting a list. I can have:

Salads (yummy!)
Chicken with lots of different Tastefully Simple seasonings
Rice (and maybe some rice cakes?)
Corn tortillas
Ice Cream!!!
All kinds of fruit
Fish and shrimp and CRAB CAKES!!
Macaroni and cheese

See? I'm not going to starve. I prefer to think about the things I can have rather than dwell on what I'm giving up. Shouldn't life be like that all the time?

Leave me some comments and tell me what you're doing to observe Lent this year! And send me some recipes!!

Unexpected Blessings

2012-01-23T11:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Christy Murphy talked about seeking God's face. This morning I got a glimpse of the hem of Jesus' garment through these flashes of images that put this story together. And MAN it makes me want to see more of HIM!!!!

God has a plan. You've heard it a million times. You've said it to people when you couldn't think of anything else to say. You may have muttered it to yourself when you were at the end of your rope. You have probably questioned the veracity of the statement on more than one occasion. You've had your doubts.

Boys and girls I'm here to tell you that my life has been flashing before my eyes this morning and God has been giving me glimpses of my life...and not all of them have been pretty...and He has been showing me how it all fits with the timeline of one special event. My mind is pretty much BLOWN by this realization and I'm a little bit giddy with the joy of seeing His plan and all it's intricacies in action!!

On New Year's Day 2012, a sweet, precious, amazing baby was born into the world. God is pretty good at arranging amazing births but some of them are the stuff of legends. See here's the thing... His mama didn't realize that she was going to have a baby. I know. I know. There's a tv show for that. I know you watch it and scoff at it and think they're all lying. I know you think that it takes a special kind of stupid to grow a child inside your body and not realize that it's there for the bigger part of a year.

Well I'm here to tell you that you're mistaken. And God has been prepping me for this task since at LEAST 1976. That's about as far back as I've been shown for this one but ironically...it predates the birth of the mom in this story. So what I'm telling you is, this plan is infinite and it is AWESOME!!!

In 1976 a couple of things happened. I met my best friend in the whole world, Valerie Cloud. We were in third grade at Edgewood Elementary School. Her sister had a baby that year. Sandy was in the military and the doctors missed a pregnancy that resulted in the birth of her son Marcus...or Patches as he still is in my memories. I've known since I was eight years old that a person could have a baby and not know about it before they gave birth. God gave me 35 years to get comfortable with that idea.

1987 brought the birth of my first daughter. I was a single mom at 19 and I went through all the crap that comes along with it. People whispering. Folks showing up to see who the baby looked like while feigning interest in my well being. Artificial friends who just wanted a piece of the gossip. I didn't care though. I loved that kid (and still do) more than life itself. She has saved me from myself on more than one occasion and I don't even think she knows how much I cherish her. Her birth though...was enough of an experience to get me ready for the next one.

In 1993 God put my ex husband in my life. Make no mistake about it, we are ex'ed for a reason. A ton of them actually. But there's a reason that I'll always be thankful to God for sending him to me. One thing my ex was NOT good at was managing his money. When I married him he had a business that someone else might have turned into a very lucrative career. For us though...it was check to check. And because we didn't have extra money, we also didn't have any insurance. When our first child was born in 1994 I sought out a home birth because a person that I knew through my job had done it a few times. (Side note... I think temp agencies are a BIG part of God's plan! LOL)

After my daughter was born that night in May 1994, I told my midwife, "Why don't more people do this? I'm going to tell EVERYONE about it!!" That pretty much laid the groundwork for my becoming a doula and for my obsession with blogging and message board debating...possibly one of the earliest forms of electronic social media.

Two more home births of my own, and a bunch of client births under my belt, and I started drifting away from the plan...or so it has always seemed to me. He has a way of leveraging EVERYTHING we do, though!! I fell in with the "wrong crowd" and spent some time in the muck and the mire, struggling to keep my head above water. No drugs or anything...just bad influences. I know God's protective hand was on me the whole time though because I came through it unscathed physically.

Because of that time in my life, finding MyChurch on the internet (and on the news...and on a door hanger at my house...) was like a breath of fresh air. It came along at ~~exactly~~ EXACTLY the right time in my life. Like to the DAY that I needed to hear from God. (I wonder if Jeff and Christy realize how much a part of this story they hold!!)

Soon after, I heard Kathryn sing for the first time and I knew we would be friends. I can always find her voice and I appreciate her ability to harmonize so sweetly. When she started her first growth group, I signed up right away. That growth group led to some pretty astounding things we had in common that didn't have anything to do with music or food or anything that we would discuss with too many other people. But standing in the driveway of that house and talking to her one night, I knew I had a friend for life.

As our friendship grew I started helping out at the church whenever I could. I also became a growth group leader. My first group had a grand total of TWO members. Still one of the most monumental experiences of my life because it brought Kelsey and I together and allowed me the privilege of attending her daughter's birth. Second try at that same group wasn't even as successful as the first one. What it taught me though, was that God wanted me to have a group but that He needed to push me in a different direction.

I took a semester off from leading a group and actually participated in a different kind of group in the fall of 2010. I joined a weight loss group and met Rebecca. I don't know why I hadn't really connected her and Kathryn in my head but they are sisters and I latched on to Rebecca pretty much instantly. She and I weighed the EXACT same thing that day. Coincidence? I think not.... LOL She was an amazing partner and made sure that I got to meetings and went to work out or walk. I know that God put us together for a reason!!

In the Spring of 2011 I felt like it was time to start a singles group at church for the "mature" singles. Nice way of saying...old. Ironically, most of the people who came weren't all that old. LOL We were a rag-tag bunch but we fit together nicely. We had a great semester of fellowship and fun, and we learned a lot about ourselves. We all worked on our relationships with God and I feel pretty comfortable in speaking for the group when I tell you that we're all in much different places than we were this time last year. Much. Different.

Rebecca and I kept losing weight. I was amazed at how she was transforming and one day she brought me a bunch of clothes that she could no longer wear. I tried them on and realized that I was losing, too! It was a COOL realization and one that bonded us even further! We spent a lot of time talking about life and boys and just, you know, stuff! She became a sweet girlfriend that I could always find on Facebook to chat with and just be myself.

Because she was there at the beginning and all during my relationship, she knew more about a lot of the nuances of the situation than a lot of people. She has a perspective that probably no one else has. She sat on the couch with me in the beginning when I was questioning if it was starting for real or if I was imagining it. She could see his face when I wasn't looking and could tell me if the whole thing was in my head or just my heart getting away from me. She was there to dry my tears when he was gone and I was missing him. We commiserated over long distance relationships and the desire to feel like a priority to someone.

So when the time came for me to get ready to go out with him on New Year's Eve ... just as a friend ... there was no one else on earth that I'd rather have spent the time getting ready with than Rebecca. We chatted on Facebook for seriously about 3 hours. We talked about relationships. We talked about makeup. We talked about teeth whitening. We talked about a LOT of stuff! She even asked me if I had any births coming up. I told her I was waiting on a client to go into labor who was due that very night.

What never came up...in the last year...was that she thought she might be pregnant. Her exact words on that night were "Im good, fighting a cold, but other than that, Im good" So when I tell you that she had no idea, I'm telling you that NOBODY had a clue. See here's the thing... Rebecca is a tall drink of water. She has a long torso. A baby can hide out in a body that long without having to curl up into too much of a ball. Put a placenta in front of that baby and you'd never feel the first kick. If you'd spent a couple of semesters leading a Zumba group, your abdomen would be tighter, too. And if you had lost as much weight as we had dropped, you'd be expecting a plateau for a while.

Rebecca wasn't an isolated teenager. She wasn't hiding out in her bedroom wearing baggy clothes. She went on a mission trip, led a growth group, greeted people cheerfully on Sunday mornings at the name tag table, worked full time, and managed to find the time to graduate from nursing school. Which means that not only was she out and about and completely surrounded by people...she was surrounded by MEDICAL people.

When she went to the hospital a few hours after our conversation feeling like she was about to pass a kidney stone, she really did think she had another kidney stone. When she chose to go to the hospital in town where they don't deliver babies, she did that because she didn't know she was about to have her own. No one was more shocked about the baby than Rebecca. And that is the HONEST truth.

So here's what I know. Noah is here for a reason. God has something AMAZING planned for this kid's life! Can you even begin to fathom how intricate the web of God's plan is? What He must have been weaving all these years to get that baby here? The generations of that family that have come before, making them tall and giving them bodies MADE for having a baby in such a way!!?? I mean just look at all the things that He did in MY life to get ready for him to be born. And all I get to do is be the storyteller!!

Cool Change

2012-01-19T11:50:00.000-05:00

The Little River Band said it... It's time for a cool change. I'm sitting here listening to the words and working on some inspiration. I WAS born in the sign of water. I SHOULD embrace that. Right? LOL I mean... No one who knows me would argue that I'm a fan of long hot soaks in the tub. I love the pool. I dig the river. Now I just have to get on board with the ocean.

New year. New me. Going to make some progress this year. I've come too far to go back now. So here are the positive steps I'm going to take and I need you to hold me accountable:

Get more sleep. The body needs time to regenerate. I'm pretty good about taking naps when the need arises but I really don't need to stay up all hours of the night. Okay...when there's a baby coming I do. But otherwise...send me to bed.
Stay hydrated. I'm a fan of water to drink. I just have to remember to DO it. I get distracted easily. LOL
Make healthy food choices. The temptation is SO great when I'm somewhere NEW to eat something unhealthy. The options are (1) don't go anywhere or (2) embrace the better choice! These are both viable options and both are attractive to me on some level. Just have to remember that even McDonald's has healthy options!!
Get moving. I have my VHS tapes (hush) that I got for a buck from Vapor. I can do my Tae Bo and my Pilates (which I've come to kind of dig!) but I can also just turn on my YouTube playlists and dance around while I'm in the house making my HEALTHY food choices. LOL (Note to self: Make a higher energy playlist... LOL)
Read my Bible. Somehow last year I made it through 75% of the way of the One Year Bible Challenge and then I just lost it. I have to get back on that and finish. And then start doing a good study or two. I feel better when I'm walking with the Lord and it sure is easier to HEAR Him when I'm in the word!!
Laugh more. It's good for the soul AND for the abs.
Let go of the past. Can't do anything to change it...gotta let it go. It's an albatross and it's not doing anyone any good. Be thankful for lessons learned but for heaven's sake move ON!!!

So that's my list for this year. Not resolutions...just things you know we all need to be doing. Who's with me? Leave me some comment love!!

Oh and enjoy this musical interlude!!

Tell them about Me

2011-11-21T04:38:00.001-05:00

When I met Stephen Brasington for the very first time, he asked me if I knew what God had told him when he was called to be a pastor. I told him that I did not know, but that I wanted to hear. He told me that God told him, "Tell them about Me." Simple. Concise. And I can hear it in my head when God wakes me up at 4:00AM and tells me to write about Him. So here goes...

In week 3 of Growth Track at MyChurch, we played some games and took a couple of assessments to learn more about our personality types and what our spiritual gifts are. If you've never done either of these, I highly recommend them both. I have done the DISC thing over the years for one organization or school or another so that one was no shock to me. I think most people can look at me after five minutes and guess that I'm somewhere between an "I" and a "D". I have gone back and forth over the years as my life has evolved and my personality has grown, but my spiritual gifts...looking back...have always been a part of me.

One of the things that Christy Murphy told us before we started the assessment was that your spiritual gifts don't "change" you because God knew what He was going to give you before you were formed in the womb. But when you accept Christ into your life, He "unlocks" those gifts and finds ways to allow you to use them for His glory. That's what this story is about.

When I was living life without Christ I got accused of always trying to "one-up" people all the time. People would tell me a story or about something that was going on in their life and I would offer up a similar story about something that had happened to me. When someone pointed out to me that I was doing that, I recognized the truth in the accusation and I tried to stop doing it. (Sometimes the devil works by using that kernel of truth doesn't he??!)

I was saved when I was 16 years old. Baptized at Fairview Baptist Church in the fall of my junior year in high school in the same water as my mama. I have highlighted in my Bible in bright green, passages about spiritual gifts. They're highlighted so I know that at some point Brother Dallas Latham talked about them and I paid enough attention to color them in. I even memorized what the interesting ones were so the concept was not foreign to me.

Imagine my surprise though when the assessment revealed that my spiritual gifts are "Showing Mercy" and "Pastoring/Shepherding"! Showing mercy I can live with but Woah... PASTORING??? Well we'll get to that in a minute.

My life has been shall we say...flexible. I have moved so many times my kids think we are part gypsy. I have worked in so many places that I joke all the time about being that guy from the TV show "The Pretender" because you can put me into any work environment and I'll just do the job. I am the ultimate temp. And I gotta tell you, that is HARD for a girl with OCD!!!

Another thing that I realized after talking to Christy tonight though, is that God is leveraging my life in some really cool ways in order to make the best use of my spiritual gifts!! I mean really REALLY cool ways. Why else would He call me to be a doula (and eventually a midwife) which is like the end all be all of being an empathetic person who guides, instructs, and assumes responsibility for the spiritual instruction in a person's life. (In other words...no danger of me becoming a preacher. Whew!!)

Seriously though, God has used some wacky moves to put me where I need to be when I need to be there. He took me out of a relatively stable place at one job and sent me to another job that looked like it was going to be right up my alley...for THREE DAYS. In hindsight, I would have hated the job (and of course HE knew that) but He needed me to be there to make friends with a lady who worked there so that a few weeks later when she walked through the doors at MyChurch (for the first time!) on the heels of some devastating news, that I would be the first person she saw and I would be able to hug her through hearing the message that she needed to hear that day.

At my birthday dinner, my dear friends were discussing these exotic locations they had visited and these cool experiences they had had and I just kept saying, "I've never done that." The awesome thing is, even though my existence has pretty much been localized to this area, I've been right where I was supposed to be. God hasn't called me to go to foreign lands (for which I am eternally grateful!) but He has allowed me to work with two amazing ministries that help orphans in India and Africa.

God doesn't give us anything harder than we can handle if we rely on Him. The trick is to stop asking "WHY" and just get ourselves out of the way and let Him do His work. If a girl with very little life experience outside of Columbus, GA and a nasty case of OCD can do it, so can you.

Losing Big

2011-10-10T01:07:00.000-04:00

So last week something big happened. My first number changed. For those of you who haven't ever had a struggle with weight issues, that's what happens when you cross over a huge milestone...like moving from the 200s to the 100s. And believe me when I tell you that it is a MONUMENTAL deal for me!!

I wasn't always heavy. People who know me now sometimes have a hard time understanding that. Heck even my KIDS don't understand that! When I had my first three kids I was practically thin. After my third kid was born, I weighed maybe 130.

Then I got a depo provera injection. That stuff is evil mean and nasty. Seriously. I'm convinced that the reason it works as birth control is that no one wants to come within 10 feet of you for fear of you stabbing them with a shiv. Plus, it makes some of us gain weight like CRAZY fast. In the first three months I put on an extra 50lbs. The second three months...maybe another 25. But if you're doing the math you can see that it was enough to push me over into the 200s.

I tried WW and lost about 20lbs but I just wasn't ~~motivated~~ happy enough to keep going. So the weight kept creeping on. Then I had the baby and positioned myself solidly at the 250 mark. BTW...He is 11 now so there is no excuse for "baby weight" anymore. I think I topped out at 277 but to be honest...I really stopped weighing myself. Just didn't want to know.

Then something changed. I moved on from the unhealthy relationship that I had with my former spouse. We had been divorced for this entire century (you can stop doing the math now) but had remained an integral part of one anothers' lives for various reasons. Our co-dependency was bad and it hindered our relationships with other people. Once I moved out of his house (even though it was to a friend's couch) I was able to start the healing process which allowed me (and him!) to start forming normal bonds with others.

I met a guy...not the right guy...who showed me what I wanted from a relationship. To start with he was funny and sweet and cute and said and did all the right things. I would say that he was a class A jerk but that's not fair to him. He had his own issues and I hope that I did some things to help him trust the next woman he gets involved with. I wish him no ill will. Plus...he helped me to get past some of my own demons.

Then I moved back home and started trying to eat healthier for my dad's sake. I was trying to get him to eat more because of his cancer, and because I was cooking on a regular basis I started eating more (ironic isn't it?) and started noticing that my clothes fit better. Apparently I had been wrecking my metabolism for years by NOT eating when I should and NOT eating enough calories in a day. See what stress will do for you??

Skip forward a couple of months to last fall and I joined a Growth Group and met Rebecca Means. Let me tell you...asking her to be my weight loss buddy was the smartest thing I ever ever EVER did!! She is SO motivated and on it and inspirational and...I just did my best to keep up. When most people would have dumped me off for not being as motivated, she stayed on me. In a nice way of course! She encouraged me and prayed for me and picked me up when I needed a ride. No way was she going to let the price of gas get in the way of me accomplishing my goals.

Also, and this is another one of those crazy ironic things, I started selling Tastefully Simple. You would THINK that being surrounded by food and talking about food and sharing food with others all the time, would make a person gain weight and not lose! But I'm here to tell you that has not been the case! First of all...the stuff tastes so so SOOO good that you don't feel the need to gorge yourself on it to feel satisfied. Second, I get so excited about trying out new seasonings that I am eating better/more/healthier recipes and that is helping a lot. If you need further proof...Rebecca is my BEST customer and has lost more weight than I have this year. LOL

SO here's the breakdown: I haven't weighed under 200lbs since 1996...before my mom died. If you met me in the last 15 years (and the vast majority of you reading this did) then you've never seen me this size before. If you knew me in the beforetime...say high school or something...you're probably glad I'm getting back to my old self.

I can promise you that this is not over. It is a slow going process. There are no quick fixes. And I have to keep this up for the rest of my life. But here's the thing...I can do it with your support. And if you are trying to do it, then you have MY support. Just keep me in the loop. Keep praying for me and I'll keep praying for you and together we can make this thing happen.

Keep it healthy...

-Me

I Love Columbus, GA

2011-09-25T01:08:00.000-04:00

Ever have one of those near perfect days? I have. Today, in fact. Woke up early and watched the last episode of All My Children...and cried. Took my time getting ready for work and had a great day at the store. (Thanks for the Krystals, Mae Mae!!) Got off in the early afternoon and headed downtown to meet up with some friends and the weather was absolutely gorgeous!!

I parked outside the coffee shop on Broadway and walked down to Judy Bug's Bookstore. That place is a treasure trove!! And the best part about it is talking to the guy who works there. I didn't catch his name but you can't miss him. I asked him if he has mentally cataloged every book in the store and he grinned and said he had a pretty good handle on it. That made me smile. I like people who take pride in what they're doing and love their work.

After that I walked down to Momma Goldberg's Deli and got a soda and some chips to munch while I charged my phone. I overheard some students from CSU quoting Blue Velvet...gotta love some David Lynch, right? There was football in the air and people having fun. The smells and sounds and balmy breeze outside...perfect.

Got a call from my friends that they were at the Eagle and Phenix Lofts checking out a condo. I walked a few blocks and enjoyed the exercise and the weather, and went up to see this GORGEOUS living space that looks like something out of a movie. THEN we went to the courtyard and sat outside watching the sun set over the river and discussing the future of Columbus.

WOW... Can you see how gorgeous this is?? We were out on the Hydro Deck which basically put us on top of the dam. I wish I had taken a pic of the dam itself so you could see the perspective of how close we really were to the water. Next time!!

As it got darker it just got prettier out there...

And we laughed and joked and talked about Four Square and...wait is that a SHARK in the water???

I had to take a few of the lofts, of course!!!

Then we went to Downstairs at the Loft for desert. Seriously. You have to try the Kahlua Cheesecake. Seriously. I'm not kidding. A.S.A.P.

Aside from their yummy food, the atmosphere is just awesome. There were a bunch of kids from Columbus High School who were dressed up to go to their Homecoming dance. Sweet girls in sparkly dresses who were wearing heels for probably the first time. And music everywhere!! It was just magical.

So yeah... I love Columbus. I know a lot of people have left for a lot of reasons but I'm glad I'm here, right now. There is an energy in downtown (or uptown!) Columbus that I have never felt anywhere else. I love Savannah and River Street, but I don't get the feeling that people are connecting on a personal level there. We have that. Everyone knows SOMEONE else down there.

Someone said yesterday, "Columbus is a small city but a big town." I liked that. It feels like a city because we do have a lot of choices in shopping and dining. But it feels like a town because of the sense of familiarity that we have here. There's always someone to greet you with a smile or a wave...even if you're "not from here." And we all wear the same SEC colors in the fall. LOL

It feels like...home.

Thoughtful Thursday

2011-08-25T16:06:00.000-04:00

First of all...someone pay the Migraine Fairy to leave me alone. Please? I have a client due in a week or so and you know I get headaches before someone goes into labor but this far in advance is seriously annoying. I'm getting caught up on my rest and all but this is getting ridiculous. There is a slim, slight, tiny, minute, remote chance that this is just another one of those symptoms of menopause. Yep. I said it. And there will be blogs about it. No hiding from it!!

Just finished watching the final episode of The Glee Project on Hulu.com. My daughter needs to be on this show. Like...really. Have to figure out how to make that happen. Then maybe all the catalogs that keep coming in the mail from NYU won't seem quite so daunting.

Had dinner last night with my friend Adam Vignola who was in Atlanta for a few days and drove down to see me. Adam lives in L.A. where he works for Classic Wines of California and also has done enough to garner his own IMDB page. He is as charming as he ever was and we had a good time stopping by the Pickle Barrel to chat for a minute with the guys from Filmaholics.net about our top five vampires. Then it was off to dinner at Downstairs at the Loft where I learned about the economics of corkage, and we ate yummy food. At dinner we ran into Robbie and Stacey Bishop who are two of my favorite Baby Bumps clients EVER! Afterwards, we walked down to the Uptown Vault to chat for a minute with Brenda and Adam even got to meet Hanson!! Adam had to head back to Atlanta to get ready for a meeting this morning so we said goodnight and I sat down for a few texts with my sweetheart before bedtime.

Interesting note: Five minutes after I walked in the door I got a text from one of my children that said "Don't you have a boyfriend?" The answer is yes. And I'm allowed to have friends. Even friends of the opposite sex. We trust one another to not do anything to jeopardize that relationship.

So how do you and your significant other handle friendships with the opposite sex?

Top Ten {Tuesday}: Ten Things To Do Today

2011-08-23T07:32:00.000-04:00

I'm a list maker. I admit it. I own it. I do NOT suffer from OCD. I embrace it. As a result, I make excellent lists. If you were to inherit my computer, you'd find lists (made almost exclusively in Excel) that cover everything from Thanksgiving menus/shopping lists to packing lists for camping trips...broken down by family member. I keep the lists because they are a good reference tool for future events. Its just the right thing to do.

To celebrate my first Top Ten {Tuesday} I'm going to make a list of the things that I have to get done today just to share with you how this list thing works.

1. Eat some breakfast: Yeah it will probably be a pop tart but that's fine. I have to get something in my system before I go to work because I only work part time but that means that I don't get a lunch break. If I forget (did I just admit that sometimes I forget to eat? <--special kind of stupid) to eat, I'm a raving lunatic by the time I get home at 3:30. On behalf of my customers and co-workers, pass the pop tart. (Strawberry frosted in case it matters.)

2. Read the Bible: I'm doing the One Year Bible Challenge at MyChurch and I'm behind. Like a week behind...maybe more. That's not too bad but frankly I don't like being behind. The plan is to read three days worth every day til I'm caught up. It shouldn't take too long and I'm really enjoying reading it. I'm just bogged down in 2Chronicles. Loving Romans though!!

3. Wax my eyebrows: Specifically my left one. I worked on the right one the other day and got ~~bored~~ distracted half way through. I have that special guest coming tomorrow though, and he might notice if my face is lopsided. It's been years since he has seen me but I'm betting his memories of me don't include one bushy eyebrow.

4. Water the plants in the living room: I'm pretty good at getting the ones in the dining room because I see them. Okay I'm good at noticing when they're starting to look bad and thinking to myself, "Better get some water on those before your dad sees them and freaks out!" The living room plants...not so much. So now and then I have to make myself go into that room to check on them.

5. Put the dishes in the dishwasher: The sink is starting to be full. It just looks bad. Seriously.

6. Hang out with Justin: Some days when the J man gets home from school, I've got other stuff going on so we kinda just both do our own thing. He is growing up SO fast (they all are!) and if I don't make sure to stop and take the time, I'm going to miss out on it. I'll be glad when the weather cools off some so he and I can go back to our afternoon walks.

7. Watch my Hulu: Yeah this one SOUNDS easy but it's not always as simple as it seems. Hulu doesn't just let stuff pile up. No-sir-ee-bob. They pull stuff down (specifically my soaps) after a few days. That may not seem like a big deal to you but do you realize that there are only a few DAYS left of these shows in their present form??? AMC and OLTL are going OFF THE AIR at the end of August!!! Just had a little panic attack when I realized what day it was... Breathe...

8. Check in with my fall clients: One client is due soon. Like her EDD is in early Sept but I think she's going to have the baby on the 31st. I've been pretty good about picking the dates of the last several. We'll see how this goes. I need to see how October and November and doing as well.

9. Clean my room: It's not dirty. Not in the way that you'd expect a room of mine to be (if you knew the old Kim) but in that "cluttered and things are starting to stack up on surfaces" way that just drives me nuts now. I know...right?

10. Watch a movie: Going to hang out with the Filmaholics tomorrow at podcast time and I need to have something intelligent to add to the conversation. These guys are all so funny and smart that I never want to be left sitting there with nothing to say...lest I say something anyway and come across as a complete moron! If you haven't checked out their site yet, please do so. Great blog. Great podcasts. Great fun!!

Time for me to go tackle this list. Poptart is almost done so I'm off to a good start! What's on your list of things to do today??

Just One Of Those Days

2011-08-22T17:59:00.000-04:00

Ever have one? I know you have. Just one of those days where things are "off" a little bit? I woke up at 4:15 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I did a cool scrapbook thingee from ArtsCow.com that might turn out to be the best Christmas present ever. Ssshhhh....

Decided to go to lunch with Bons and Mads but then I couldn't find my keys. Took me a half an hour to find them and then on the way to Ulta/Jason's Deli, my Jeep started over heating. Came home after picking up the new Ulta gift and some lunch (priorities?) only to hit EVERY red light on the way home. My poor Jeep is out there in this weather (hotter than the surface of the sun??) waiting to cool down enough for me to refill the water.

And I have a cold. Seriously? In this weather? I'm going to chalk it up to lack of rest and take a bunch of vitamin C related products to get it back under control. And maybe some Claritin because it COULD be seasonal allergies sneaking up on me.

Just need to get out from under this funk. I've been snarky to my sweetie and that's not a good thing. I have company coming in from out of town on Wednesday to spend the evening downtown doing the dinner thing. I'm excited in the appropriate amounts and I'll let you guys know how it goes (and who it was!) when it's over. You're just going to have to stay tuned to find out what fabulous celebrity I'm entertaining this week!! Ha Ha!!

What are you most looking forward to this week?? Comment and let me know!

Friday Faves: Fall Foods

2011-08-19T09:17:00.000-04:00

This morning I ordered some Tastefully Simple products from the new Fall/Winter line so that we can play around with recipes when Allen gets home in a few weeks. I gotta tell you though, I don't know whether I'm more excited about him or this food!! (Okay you know that's not 100% true. LOL)

Here is what I ordered:

Apple and Pear Slush Drink Mix (will be good warm with our bourbon in it!)

3 packs of Bountiful Beer Bread (can never have too much of that on hand!)

Chicken Tortilla Soup Mix (looks good!)

Chipotle Queso Dip Starter (have to get some of that good cheese to try this with)

Creamy Portobella Warm Dip Mix (TOTALLY for him... LOL)

2 packs of the Dreamy Irish Frozen Dessert Mix (this is discontinued but everyone loved it last year and I didn't get to try it)

Samples of:

Bountiful Beer Cheese Soup (half size)

Caramel Cinnamon Sprinkles

English Toffee Cheese Ball (full size)

Peppy Papaya Salsa (6pk)

Roasted Onion Warm Dip Mix (full size)

Savory Beach Brandy Glaze (6pk)

Shanghai Stir Fry Sauce (6pk)

Spicy Harvest Salsa (6pk)

What are you dying to try? What kind of fun ideas can you think of for us to do with these products?? Comment and let me know!

{semi} Wordless Wednesday: Weight Loss

2011-08-17T15:24:00.000-04:00

Remember yesterday how I said I was excited about "4. Bathroom scales:"? Wordless Wednesday seems the perfect time to show you what I mean!

This is the day before I started at SFH in 2003. I weighed 255 that day. I know this because I had to weigh for my physical. Some things get stuck in your memory forever! LOL

This is Kevan and I at the Christmas party in 2005. I was going in the opposite direction of good at this point. I'm pretty sure that's the year I finally changed my drivers' license to say I weighed 250 which was just a blatant lie at that point.

Smallest I ever got was when we did Weigh Down Columbus and I got to like 230.

At my sister's wedding on Jan 1, 2010. I was about 277 here and that suit is a size 22.

Last summer at my class reunion. I was probably 260 here.
Memorial Day this year. Had just gotten into a size 16 and I was about 220 here.

GNO with Niki, Hope, and Stephanie in July. 212 AFTER pasta and dessert. LOL

Today I weighed in at 205.5. I'm ALMOST down to where I was when I started WW last time...before I turned 30. I've lost over 70lbs. I have a long way to go.
P.S. I used to be a skinny girl. LOL In this picture I weigh 125lbs and am 4 months pregnant with my third child!!

Taking a page from...

2011-08-16T09:15:00.000-04:00

Kerri Mann always has the coolest blog. She makes it look effortless although, I assure you she is laughing as she reads this! But because she inspires me... I'm going to attempt to do a better job of keeping my blog current. I can only repost old and discarded blogs for so long before I have to give you some new content, so here goes my first:

Ten things I am excited about!

10. Football season: The weather, the Friday nights in the stands screaming myself hoarse, the Saturdays enjoying wings and ribs, the blankets, the friends!!! I'm STOKED about this year! Perhaps it is because its Kirin's last year at Shaw, or maybe its because I missed so much of last season but I'm ready for some football!!!

9. Upcoming babies: Its no secret that I love birth and babies. I'm ready for the fresh crop of fall babies I have lined up! There's going to be some sweet baby bumps to love on real soon!!

8. Turning 44: Its a good number! Even, divisible by 11, a palindrome... 44 is going to be as awesome as 43 has been +1!!

7. Menopause: Seriously!! I'm READY for this thing! Let's get it on and done!! I never thought I'd be ready to give up my reproductive rights but I reached the tipping point a couple of years ago and I'm emotionally on board for the whole shebang.

6. Visits from old friends: Not only is homecoming right around the corner, but an old friend from L.A. is coming to visit next week. I love catching up with folks and showing them how much Columbus has grown. I'm proud of my hometown!!

5. A new blog: Can't reveal too many details yet but you'll enjoy it! And I'm having fun getting ready for it!!

4. Bathroom scales: I currently weigh less than I have at any point in this century. This millennium, even!! There are people who have known me for years who have no idea that I used to be skinny. Three of my children don't even know that. Not that I ever want to be skinny again, mind you. Just want to be healthier and I'm on the way! As of this morning I am down 70 pounds from Jan 2010 when I moved in with Niki. Two Lenten seasons, a couple of Growth Groups, a bunch of great ladies who encourage me, a job at the store that keeps me moving, and enough water to fill Lake Oliver. I wish I could tell you that I was living at the gym or eating vegetables (okay I really don't wish either of those things) and that I was taking it very very seriously...but I can't. There's a reason it has taken almost 2 years. Lifestyle changes...even small ones...make a huge difference! (And there WILL be a huge blog post about that first number in my weight changing from a "2" to a "1"!!!)

3. New career opportunities: I am blessed to have some seriously talented, smart, and energetic people in my life! Its no surprise that I love positive people and that I try to surround myself with them. I'm excited about the future possibilities of parlaying that into a revenue stream!

2. My relationship: I'm in one. Seriously. Sweetest, funniest, hottest, smartest, most superlative ~~guy~~ man I've ever met. He is a blessing to me. Every. Day.

1. Christmas: I can't tell you the last time I was excited about the holidays. I don't REMEMBER the last time I was excited about the holidays. It has been at least 5 years??? I'm ready for the good this year. And it has nothing to do with the previous nine list items. This one is about making the decision to embrace it and enjoy it and celebrate it.

So there you have it! My first Ten on Tuesday! Pop over to Crafty Life and read someone else's list...or make your own!!

I'm not who I was...

2011-08-15T17:48:00.000-04:00

I finally bought a ring back tone. When I have some minutes on my phone you should call and listen to it. I promise not to answer so that you can hear the whole thing. Don't leave a message though because I'm telling you now...I'm too cheap to check it. The decision to have a ring back tone was easy. All the cool kids have them. The decision as to what song to select however, was agonizing. I am here to tell you that I thought about this for a LONG time. As referenced earlier in this paragraph, I'm too cheap to spend $2 on a song that might not be exactly what I am looking for or that might convey the wrong message to the receiver.

So I picked the song "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath. Here's the video in case you want to listen (and I suggest you do) because the message of the song is really powerful and the tune is really catchy.

Okay so now lets look at how appropriate this song is. A year ago I was in a different place. Physically, emotionally, spiritually... just different.

Physically I was in the house with my kids and my ex husband. The situation worked for a while. It made fiscal sense and it gave me an opportunity to spend a lot of time with my children and to trust that their dad, while I may not always agree with his method of execution, really does have their best interest at heart. As of the start of the new year however, I'm in a new place with my friend and her two kids. I miss my kids constantly. I need for them to know that. My heart aches for them and I want to be with them but it's just not working out that way right now. I don't know whether this is a trial run to see how we do 3 miles apart in case I have to move 300 miles away, or whether God is just getting me ready for the eventuality that they'll be leaving for college and their own lives soon. He definitely knows me best and He knows that I have a hard time separating from people and things so this may be His way of doing it gradually to keep me from losing my mind in a couple of years. He knows what He is doing. I trust that!

Emotionally I was in a completely different place last year. I wrote that I was talking to someone that I thought was very special. He is special. He is, as predicted, a tool that God put into my life to help me understand what it is that I'm looking for in a partner. And what I'm not looking for. I feel like I'm more emotionally stable right now and that I'm "almost" ready for the person I'm supposed to be with. Sometimes God allows us to experience things that prepare us for the bigger picture. Some people say that "everything happens for a reason."

Recently I feel like God and I went on a test drive for the new relationship thing and we kicked a few tires. New guy was shiny and pretty and smelled good but there was something a little too familiar about him. He reminded me of the previous model with whom I have all these kids. The experience taught me that I am still not quite ready because I wanted it too much. I was willing to overlook the signs that I was stepping into a relationship that almost identically mirrored my previous marriage. While I can appreciate that a lot of what failed in my marriage was my fault, I have absolutely no desire to repeat the process and try to fix what went wrong. I'd prefer to start fresh if possible.

Spiritually...I am a work in progress. This time last year I was looking forward to going to a new church that was about to launch on Jan 25th. I paid for a chair for $30 on the internet which turned out to be the best thing I ever could have done. Because of that chair, I felt like I had a right to be there. Of course I would have had a right without purchasing the chair but I took some ownership in the church and it helped me to overcome some fears about going into an unknown situation and feeling comfortable there. I'm sure that when Jeff Murphy realized they weren't going to have chairs he probably panicked and prayed about how to get some in the building. But because of God's plan...he gave us a way to claim our little piece of property in the physical sense that got us in the door and gave God a chance at our hearts.

MyChurch is about to celebrate it's first anniversary this Sunday. I told Niki a couple of weeks ago that I've been thinking a lot about how much I love MyChurch. I mean literally...it is my church because I am God's child and I am a part of His congregation. It's not about the building. I like that we don't have a permanent physical place that is massive and awe inspiring. I know that when I go on Sunday that I am being touched by God and not by an architectural firm. I know that wherever we end up...in ten micro churches with a mega vision... I will always call MyChurch my church. The church is not the building...it is the people inside.

I'm sure I'll think of a million different ways that I could have expressed this later on today. For now though, just listen to Brandon Heath singing and smile...

Aloha, Y'all!

2011-08-14T22:13:00.000-04:00

I didn't want to go to church this morning. I was in a bad mood. I was irritated that I wasn't getting any responses to text messages. I was feeling sorry for myself. And I was having a bad hair day. Add to that the fact that we were having a luau and I was wearing a shirt that instantly added 10 years to my appearance. It was just not a good thing.

Sent out a text message to "the man with whom I spend a lot of time" (TMWWISALOT? TMW2ISALOT?) which said, "I don't want to go to church." No response. "I guess that means that there is something that I really need to hear that the devil doesn't want me to hear." No response. "Fine. I'm going. I'm already wearing the shirt."

Jeff talked about how the stuff that the devil did to mess with people in the Bible is a little antiquated since we have all new ways for him to mess with us now. He didn't mention technology specifically...but let me tell ya. Nothing plants the seeds of doubt like failed technology. Think about how many relationships have been ruined via text message. It used to be folks waiting around for the phone to ring but now...texts.

But I digress. When I got to church I instantly felt better. ~~Ugly~~ Floral shirt and all. Got to see my Rachel. Found Pam and Julia, and Allen's grandparents. The band was rocking. And then I saw her. Standing in the center aisle next to the third row on the right. She was about 2 1/2 years old. Couldn't tell a whole lot about her because it was dark, but it didn't matter. She was HAPPY! She was dancing! She was really getting into the music and she was full of joy! Pam and Julia leaned out to watch her dance. The people in front of us were smiling at her as well.

When the time came for the message to start, her mom took her back to the nursery. Obviously she just really likes the music and wants to be a part of that. Who can blame her? (If you've heard our band, you know what I mean!) At the end of the service, her mom brought her back in for the last song. And she danced some more.

I sometimes suffer from Baptist Arm Syndrome which make it difficult to raise my hands higher than shoulder level. I want to be that kid. I want to be so full of God's love that I'm willing to go all in and not care what it looks like to throw my hands up in the air and dance around in joy.

If that means wearing floral print shirts...so be it.

It's only an island...

2011-08-13T19:00:00.000-04:00

Definition of irony: Noun: The expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.

Irony rears its ~~ugly~~ comic head in my life all the time. I never planned to have kids...and I have four. I never planned to have to use a computer...and I'm rarely away from mine for more than 6 hours. I have a degree in business...but God wants me to help people have babies.

This latest twist is making me look at life in a whole new way, though. Since I was about 10 my favorite movie has been Jaws. I love EVERYTHING about this movie. It is the best movie ever made in my not so humble opinion. It is the ultimate story of man overcoming his fears to accomplish a goal. Best line in the whole movie (and my philosophy on life) is what Brody says when Hooper asks him how a guy who hates the water can live on an island. His reply?

It's only an island if you look at it from the water.

Seriously? How DEEP is that? It's all in how you look at things. If a problem looks insurmountable, look at it from a different direction.

But I digress...So because of this whole Jaws obsession, I have often joked that it is written into my contract that I don't go to the sharks' office and they don't come to mine. I'm just not a beach girl. That being said, I DO think it is a beautiful place and I greatly enjoy a frosty adult beverage while sitting by the pool or in an air conditioned condo LOOKING at the beach. I just don't want to go into the ocean. At. All.

This is a conundrum for many of my friends. They go on cruises and feel bad for not inviting me. Not a problem...I don't want to go. The sharks WILL find me. The mere planning of a beach vacation on my part brings about stories of shark attacks in the very city I was planning to visit. As a result, I spend a lot of time alone during the summer while my friends are off enjoying the sand and surf.

Now for the irony: The man with whom I have been spending a great deal of my time wants to live on an island.

Does this mean that he is not "the one" for me? No. I really don't think so. What I think is that God wants me to abandon the fear that has held me back for so long. Not just the fear of the ocean and the creatures that live in the depths, but the fear of relationships and of leaving my life in Columbus. I feel "safe" here and that isn't necessarily a desirable state for growth. I want to grow. I want to experience all that life has to offer. I want to live the life that God wants for me. Even if that means catching babies on an island somewhere.

After all, once I'm ON the island...it's just land with some water nearby!

The Woo Hoo Girls

2011-07-05T21:43:00.000-04:00

This blog post came from January 2, 2009 and was originally titled "The Notebook...Computer" I changed the title to "The Woo Hoo Girls" mainly so a friend could find it easily, but also because this post was the beginning of a great concept that I had for a women's group. It may STILL wind up being a Growth Group one day!

Well of course my first response was... Why does it matter to you? What effect does my having a lot of pictures of myself have on your life? It must be nice to have your life so well organized and taken care of that little things like how many pictures another person sends out can affect your mood. I mean... one must be pretty together and have very little to worry about if I'm on their radar right?

Then I thought... Wait a minute. Don't people with low self esteem hide from pictures? I post them because I think they look good, not because I think I'm ugly or fat or whatever. I think that I probably have a little too much self esteem if anything. LOL I certainly have more than the average person. WAY more than people my size usually do!

I've always said that this picture thing started when I realized I was turning 40. I never thought I'd get this old. Seriously. I didn't think I'd make 30 either though so... But right before I turned 40 I got to thinking that I'd better take some pictures so I can remember what I looked like when I wasn't old. (Because 40 is old! LOL)

So then...when I started taking the pictures with the phone and figured out how to get them on the computer, taking them all the time became second nature. If I'm having a good hair day or have done something with my makeup that I want to remember...I'll take a picture. Or if I'm having a good time and want to remember it forever...I'll take a picture.

The reason the pics are of me and not of everything around me is twofold. One is because it's a phone people. It doesn't take good pictures from farther away than an arms length. It's not even a GOOD phone like Jo's! You get what you get with phone pics. And since I was raised at Olan Mills, my head automatically cocks a little to the side and tilts forward whenever I see a camera. And the other reason is that because with all the crap I've been through, I need to be able to look back and say "See? You CAN be happy! You DO know how!"

So anyway...I said to Niki "When I am older and more demented than I am now, will you bring my laptop and show me pictures every day to try and remind me that I used to be your friend?" I told her that every day she can bring the pictures and read me the emails and tell me about this girl who loved being around people and who liked to laugh and smile. And when it finally dawns on me that this girl she's talking about is me I will throw my hands up in the air and shout "Woo Hoo!!" because I will have remembered that deep down I am a "Woo Hoo Girl!"

I think I should get cardio points for how long we laughed about it. Definitely worth 10 crunches because my stomach was aching from the laughter. But it felt good. I wouldn't trade it for the world. In fact... If I hadn't been on the phone with her? I'd have taken a picture of it.

So tell me? What are you doing to remember this time in your life? Edie Brickell sang it "Good times bad times give me some of that"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ8muQ0PMJU

Live a little. And take some pictures. I want to see!

Things I Can't Say To You...

2011-07-05T20:59:00.000-04:00

This post originally appeared on my blog on Dec 4, 2005. Anything that seems relevant to anything going on today...isn't. I just wanted to revisit some ideas and this was one of them. So don't go getting all angst-ridden over this text. They're just words. LOL

Do you know the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone? Let me tell you what I think it is. I think that loving someone is unconditional and there's nothing you can do about it. People fall "in" and "out" of love all the time. But when you really love someone it doesn't go away.

You can love someone but not be "in love" with them. Does that make sense? You love your parents. You're not "in love" with them. See the difference?

Shouldn't we love people? Isn't that a good thing? Why then, does it get to be so stressful? Why does it cause pain to love someone? Why does it hurt to look at someone and want to tell them how you feel about them?

You should be able to tell people that you love them without them freaking out right? Or is it that people don't understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with them?

And here's the other thing... You can't pick who you love. There. I said it. Sometimes you love people that don't love you back. And sometimes you love people that you wouldn't otherwise have any relationship with. And sometimes people don't feel like you should love the person you love. Maybe that gets back to that whole difference between love and "in love" thing?

Why do we let it bother us? Why does it matter what anyone thinks about how we feel about someone? Why can't we love who we want to love?

Most importantly, why does it make some people feel bad to be loved? I'm sure it's because they feel guilty for not loving the person back. But why? Again... Because they feel that they don't understand that, while it takes two people to be "in love", love is singular. It doesn't take two people.

So if someone looks uncomfortable and you want to know why...maybe it's because they want to tell you they love you but they know you don't want to hear it. And they feel bad because they know that by doing the very thing that would take the pressure off their minds and their hearts, that they'd be making you feel bad. And that making you feel bad is the very last thing in the world that they'd ever want to do.

Role Models

2011-04-17T15:04:00.000-04:00

Role models. You know what they are. We all have our ideals of the people we would like to be. Sports figures. Celebrities. Religious icons.

Whose role model are you, though? I figured out last summer that people pay attention to what we say and do...and that they remember. During the class reunion planning I heard from people over and over that they remembered stuff that I had NO recollection of saying or doing. Luckily for me, they weren't bad things. Apparently I was a fairly decent kid and I said nice things to people. I can assure you that it was purely coincidental. What I wish is that someone had told me all those years ago, that people were listening...and watching.

Now...as a "mature" adult...I am very aware of this phenomenon and it makes me watch my P's and Q's most of the time. It makes me pay attention to how I act and the words that come out of my mouth...and from my fingertips. I do my best to make sure that what people see or hear from me, is positive and nothing that will come back to haunt me later on.

Have I always been this way? No. REALLY. No. Do I have regrets? Nope. I own my words and my behavior. Everything we go through brings us to where we are and frankly, I like where I am. If I hadn't done some of the stupid things that I've done, I wouldn't be who I am. I've done some really stupid stuff. Those things have taught me that grace is good and that I should have more of it for others.

I also know that none of us is beyond hope. I'm glad that I had some good people in my life to look up to, who weren't afraid to model good behavior for me. I pray that I will always have the foresight to choose good role models and that I don't wear them down with MY behavior so that they will keep me around. I'm a work in progress and I know that I need to constantly see good so I'll know what it looks like.

Another Driver in the Family

2011-02-08T21:24:00.000-05:00

I almost can't believe it, but my baby girl is a licensed driver now!! When it was time for her to get her learner's permit I started getting nervous. My older daughter didn't start driving until she was 20 so having a 16-year-old behind the wheel was a daunting prospect for me. First of all, I'm not the world's most patient person. Unless someone is in labor, I have issues with patience sometimes. (Okay often) Also, her dad makes me look like Mother Teresa in the patience department so the thought of him yelling at her while she was dealing with a huge vehicle sort of put my nerves on edge.

Thank heavens for Barber's Driving School!! My little sister and my older daughter both went through the program there and they both are great drivers. In addition to our patience issues, we were really concerned about the new laws concerning teens getting licensed. We weren't sure that we would be able to comply with all the regulations in order to make her legal. Letting someone else who knows all about it handle all the details was SO much easier. In addition to her getting a great education, her dad is really appreciating the discount he's going to get on his insurance!

When we started this process last February, my daughter and I were both hesitant about her driving. Since she took the class and did her behind the wheel training though, I have been very pleased with how well she has handled driving in all conditions (night, rain, traffic, daylight) and her confidence level has reached an all time high. I could not be more pleased with our experience with Barber's.

Today she took her road test (at Barber's) and passed with no problems. There were a couple of things the evaluator wanted me to watch out with her which we discussed together. After she was done, we took the paperwork to the DMV and filled out one form while we waited for them to take her picture for her new license. The process was painless (except for the tugs on my heartstrings!) and over in less than half an hour.

When we got home, I took the house key off the clip and told her that her brother and I were going to go into the house but that I wanted her to drive around the block....alone. She practically squealed with delight at the thought of finally realizing this dream. So she drove off by herself...my pookie...and she drove around the neighborhood. Twice.

Just a little rant from the peanut gallery...

2011-01-04T15:18:00.000-05:00

About this time of year I start to get irritated at the news coverage of flu season. If there is nothing good going on in the news, we have a pandemic. The CDCs website is a wealth of information about everything health related under the sun and I refer to it quite frequently.

Today I was reading the NEW link to information about Vaccine Safety for the Seasonal Influenza Vaccine and this blurb on the page for Febrile Seizures Following Childhood Vaccinations, Including Influenza Vaccination
really just chapped my hide:

About 1 in 3 children who have one febrile seizure will have at least one more febrile seizure during childhood. Most children (greater than 90%) who have a seizure will not develop epilepsy. Genetic predisposition (i.e., family history) and other factors such as cerebral palsy, delayed development, or other neurological abnormalities increase a child’s risk for developing epilepsy after a febrile seizure.

So you mean to tell me that out of 1000 kids who have a febrile seizure, about 300 of them will have another one, and let's say 10% (or 30) of them will develop epilepsy. 30 out of 1000 is not a reassuring number to me. Especially for me (and my kids) since I spent a few years on anti-seizure meds for what may or may not have been epilepsy, for seizures that occurred after each of my well-child visits for shots.

Is it just me or are they really trying to downplay that 3% by saying most WON'T have a problem? In a good sized elementary school that's 3 kids per grade developing problems from seizures. How is that okay?

Lessons From the Little Drummer Boy

2010-12-24T12:27:00.000-05:00

One of my dearest friends came to church with me this past Sunday for the first time. I've been telling her about MyChurch since we first started going there (in the tent) two years ago. Having her there meant a lot to me and hopefully it meant a lot to her, too.

Sunday morning at church they took up a special offering. It was a birthday gift to Jesus of sorts and Jeff asked everyone to "give something bigger than you would spend on any one person this year." The first time I heard that request (a few weeks prior) I started to panic a little. I knew that I wasn't giving gifts this year because it just isn't in my budget. What in the heck was I supposed to do for this special offering?

While we were singing the last song (O Come All Ye Faithful) I started tearing up. I knew the box was coming around and I didn't have anything to put in it. Then I heard a voice in my ear saying "Sing louder." Now THAT was a shocker since I'm already sitting in the second row so as not to disturb anyone with my loud singing. Then it hit me...God doesn't just want our money. He wants our best.

The little drummer boy had no gift to bring but he played his drum and the baby smiled. When we give God our talents and our time, we are giving Him a gift offering that goes beyond what money can do. The Lord knows that I don't have a lot to offer financially. I'm pretty sure He designed it this way. Which makes me thankful that He has put me in a church where I can offer what I do have...time. Whether it is going to the church during the week or helping to arrange an event, time is what I have to give.

I like to think that one day I will have more financial resources and be able to give back to this church body that has given so much to me and my family. I just hope that when that day comes, I'll remember the little drummer boy and take the time to play my best for Him. The Lord knows I love smiling babies....

Shutterfly Rocks!!

2010-12-01T16:38:00.000-05:00

When my friend Kerri posted on her blog today about Shutterfly giving away 50 Free Holiday Cards to bloggers, I logged into my account for the first time in years. Literally...years. The last pictures that I had uploaded were from Justin's birth and the first year of his life. He is 10 now. Seeing our pictures from New Year's Eve in 1999 really took me back! There is even a picture of my Aunt Dot who passed away a couple of years ago. It is just amazing to see how much the kids have grown and to remember them as babies.

The thing I want to talk about today though, is the Shutterfly Share Site! I clicked on the "Share" button with the intention of getting a URL that I could share on FB but what I stumbled into was much richer and very user friendly! Shutterfly has given us a simple way to create a dynamic, family-themed website with little effort. The options are easy to navigate and putting the site together only takes as long as it takes you to decide which pictures you want to use!

If that weren't enough, I discovered all the add-ons that are built in which make this a PERFECT option for groups or teams to use for sharing information. There are calendars, rosters, even a snack schedule!! The site can be as open or as private as you make it and members can publish their own information or you can reserve those rights for a site administrator. It really is the perfect solution for groups who don't want to invest in a domain name and hosting just for a season.

So thank you, Shutterfly! Thanks for giving me a new toy to play with today! And thank you for bringing a smile to my face as I looked through my old albums and remembered my babies...as babies. So without any further adieu...Welcome to the Wacky World of The Wonderful Wilsons!

Happy Birthday

2010-11-17T17:46:00.000-05:00

To all the babies born November 17th, 2010, here is my wish for you...

I hope that you are born to parents who love and want you as much as mine loved and wanted me. Please don't be too hard on them. They are doing their best and sometimes we, the November 17th babies, are a hard bunch to handle. Give them a break and don't lie about not having homework. As stupid as it seems now, it will benefit you down the road. Even algebra. I promise.

I hope that you have a lifetime filled with wonderful friends who are there when things are good and even moreso when things are bad. Don't cut people out of your life without a REALLY good reason. Everyone deserves grace and if you give it to others it will be easier for you to accept it when you need it. Besides, you never know when you're going to run out of gas and need someone to bring you a gas can.

I hope that you learn early on to keep a gas can in your trunk. I'm just saying...

I hope that in third grade you make friends with the person who seems to be the least impressed with you. I promise that they will be the one who will keep you grounded and stick with you through thick and thin. They will hold your hand when you get married and when you have to say goodbye to your parents. They will cry with you over your babies and rejoice with you when you accomplish great things. By the way...you will accomplish great things! I have faith in you!

I hope that you know that you can go out and have a good time without doing stupid things. Getting crazy drunk doesn't make the night more fun...it just makes it harder to remember the fun you DID have. Plus it really sucks the next day! Also, if you're going to indulge, get a designated driver and tell them who specifically you are trying to avoid. Trust me, this will help you later on.

I hope that you become a voracious reader. Books are amazing things that can take you on journeys and expose you to things that your world may not offer you on a daily basis. Read everything you can get your hands on. Even cookbooks. Especially cookbooks. Knowing that "florentine" means "it has spinach in it" has saved me more than once.

I hope that you have beautiful babies of your own one day. Whether you are giving birth to them yourself or supporting your partner while she brings them into the world...Don't be afraid. Birth is amazing and wonderful and an opportunity for you to find out what you're made of and how great a parent you have the potential to become. Don't take that responsibility lightly.

I hope that you find a good church and that you have a good relationship with Christ. He's a pretty awesome guy and He can help you when all else seems lost. BTW...when I say church, I don't mean a building. I mean find yourself a bunch of believers who can help you celebrate life and also be there for you when things are tough and life seems to be crumbling. Nothing can touch the peace that comes from knowing that you are never alone.

I hope that you develop a love of music. Don't complain about Christmas music in October (because it just means that your birthday is right around the corner!) and don't discount any kind of music just because your friends don't like it. There are good and bad songs in every genre. Listen to the lyrics. Listen to the beat. Listen to the melody.

I hope that you know that being "cool" isn't the way to happiness. The cheerleaders are having fun but they are stressed out from all the work of practices and homework. The star of the school play is having fun but she has to worry more about messing up her lines. You don't have to be the star all the time. Be yourself. You are awesome just the way you are! I know this because we have more in common besides just being born on the most amazing day of the year!

Conversation in a Bar

2010-11-16T00:14:00.000-05:00

The other night we held my Big Wish Birthday Bash at the Uptown Vault. My actual birthday isn't until the 17th but because of scheduling and all, we decided to celebrate on the 11th. The reason for the Big Wish tag is because if you're one of us who makes a wish at 11:11, you get a BIG wish on 11/11 at 11:11. Combine that with making a birthday wish and you can't get much bigger! My wish was for Hope Harbour to have all the funding and supplies that they need for the coming year. It's a great organization and you should totally check them out.

Now that we have established WHY I was in a bar, let's get on with the conversation. This guy came in who had seen the info for the event on Facebook. (Before Jamie gets all stressed out about me having a stalker I need to point out that it is a very public place and all were welcomed!) We sat there and talked for a while and he told me his opinion on population control. He brought it up because of our discussion about what I do for a living. And I really think that even though he's put a lot of thought into his plan, that there were some serious flaws in his reasoning.

I won't go into details about what he thought but I would like to tell you a little bit about my opinion. I know that a lot of people think that I'm a bleeding heart liberal for believing that we as a society are responsible for each other. I believe that how we treat the least among us says a lot about how we are as a people.

I think that an overlooked step in resolving a lot of our social problems is to find ways to help people take responsibility for themselves and their families. That doesn't mean cutting them off from resources, but the opposite. Give them the tools they need to make wise decisions.

Since my main focus in life is on pregnancy and birth, I have concerns over how the birth industry is run in this country. I think that our "system" makes it too easy for people to hand over responsibility for our families and in some cases, those choices are downright taken away from us. Women aren't able to fully participate in their healthcare decisions because they are fed misinformation by the very people that they hire to take care of them.

Of course I'm an advocate for unmedicated births but not because I want to see women suffer. I think there is a misconception that when I say teen moms for example, should go unmedicated that it is because I think that they should be made to "pay" for what they have done. Nothing could be farther from the truth. When a mom is given full disclosure during her pregnancy and is armed with FACTS, she is able to surround herself with a support team who can help her to achieve a birth in which she is able to fully participate and not just be a bystander while procedures are performed on her body.

That mom is more likely to breastfeed and take more responsibility for her child. Because she is breastfeeding, she becomes the primary caregiver instead of a well-meaning family member who has further stripped her of responsibility and reinforced her self-doubt. Armed with hormones that she is biologically entitled to as a breastfeeding mom, she begins to see herself as a strong woman who is capable of much more than her peers who walk away from serious life choices.

Sadly, it is not only teen moms who make decisions based on misinformation and half-truths. Well educated women are probably even easier for doctors to dupe into medically-managed births based on their fears of what "might" happen. And those women are robbed of the first experience of motherhood on a daily basis.

How do we fix this though? That's the sort of thing that keeps ME up at night. We have to, as a society, demystify childbirth and, yes I'll say it, sex. Open, honest, TRUTHFUL dialog about it so that the stigmas attached to the topics fall away. When our daughters hear us talking about it, let them hear good stories and not horror stories designed to frighten them away from it. Heck when our sons hear stories, let them be good ones so that they will be able to support their partners in childbirth one day!

The couples that I work with are great. They have educated themselves, gone to classes, read books...they are dedicated to achieving positive birth experiences. Our biggest obstacle as a birth team is never the hospital or the care providers. It is always the family members. The fear they bring with them into the room. The myths that they have accepted as facts for generations. The mistrust that they have in the process.

So to the guy I was talking to, and you know who you are, I was not ignoring you or blowing you off. I do have an opinion and a lot of experience to back it up. I may not have been able to articulate what I needed to say to you that evening but I hope that after you read this, you'll understand why it was not something I could shout to you above the din of the karaoke or the smoke from your ciggarettes. And thanks for coming to my party!!

Out of Gas

2010-11-07T15:30:00.000-05:00

First of all, let me start by telling you that I drive a gas guzzler. A bona fide, dinosaur, big-hunk-o-metal jeep. A 79 Grand Wagoneer to be exact. And I love it. I really do. The kids like to play a game where they point out another vehicle on the road and we try to guess which of us would survive the impact of a collision. The jeep usually wins...in theory of course.

The downside to driving such a safe vehicle is that I can't afford the gas. Theoretically I guess that makes it safer since it's usually parked somewhere and not on the road. But I digress... I have to plan my trips away from the house very carefully. I don't make random side trips and I'm very efficient at getting from point "A" to point "B" with the least amount of fuel waste. I know ahead of time if I'm going to have to make a trip somewhere and I plan accordingly. And yes, I do get testy if I have to drive somewhere that is not on the schedule because I know exactly how much gas I have to work with for the week.

Friday I drove kids to the Springer for the One Act Play competition. We made it down there fine and parked and walked where we needed to go for the day. All was well. When it came time to go, I knew we needed to stop and get gas. I also knew exactly which gas station I was headed to. It was the same one that I stop at on the way home from downtown on many nights after a trip to karaoke. The jeep knows the way even without me.

So we're headed to the gas station and I feel a hesitation. Not. Good. I can SEE the gas station but I can also see a yellow light. If I keep going, I will be going through the intersection "probably" okay but "maybe" while the light is somewhere between yellow and red. We'll call it orange. I assess the situation and realize that one of the children in the car is not from my DNA so I hit the brakes. Mis. Take.

When I hit the brakes, the gas left in the tank sloshed forward and away from the fuel line, causing the jeep to sputter and the engine to die. Even though the light has not come on, I know that I don't have the gas to start it one more time and get it to the station (that I can SEE) unless it starts on the first try and at the moment the light turns green. So I wait. And as the light turns, I try to start the jeep and it DOES start but only long enough to stall out again.

What to do? What to do? The girls get out and push me the 20 yards it takes to get around the corner and off of Wynnton Road. But now we're sort of just stuck here. So of course I think "I'll post this on Facebook!" I put out a distress call that I was sitting there out of gas with no gas can and within 2 minutes I already had offers to help. All in all, six people responded and one even offered to go buy a gas can and bring it to us! In the end, my friend Patsy from high school (who herself was sitting on the side of the road with a flat tire) drove to us and brought us a gas can with a gallon of gas in it, which was exactly what we needed to get to the gas station.

So what did we learn? Besides the obvious...I now have a gas can in my jeep...we learned that people genuinely want to help. They will go out of their way to be helpful for near strangers and friends alike if they know that there is a need. Once the need is identified, people DO care enough to help out. We also discovered that two hours is not that long when you have three singers in the car. We sang everything from Sugarland to Christmas carols. And we laughed a lot.

We learned that grownups and teenagers won't get bored when they hang out together if they just open up and communicate. And that we're not that different when it comes down to it. We learned that Facebook (and the Blackberry) are useful tools when it gets right down to it. Someone commented that they would have never thought to post a distress call on FB. But social media is used heavily by a lot of people and it never hurts to have 700+ friends who care about what happens to you!

We also learned that every situation can be a blessing. Some people might have been really stressed or irritated about finding themselves out of gas on a cold November evening. We just saw it as an opportunity to hang out and I got to see a friend from high school (and junior high school!) that I hadn't seen since 1985. Lots of memories surfaced of hanging out with Patsy at Martha's birthday parties and staying up all night talking, and of my friends who were in the band with her. It was a good thing.

By the way... Most of the people who offered to help were Raiders. I'm just saying. We DO look out for our own!!

New Beginnings

2010-11-04T19:47:00.000-04:00

I'm a little afraid to say things are looking up because that always seems to bring things crashing down around me. Things are good though. GREAT birth yesterday! The kind of birth that makes me wish I had a do over for one of mine. (Not sure which one because I really had awesome births!) Watching how wonderfully prepared this mom was and how beautifully she handled every contraction. Truly awe inspiring and totally the way things were meant to be. I can honestly say that I've never seen a woman walking around during transition and having calm conversations with smiles and laughter. She's my new hero. Beautiful big baby girl, too!

Today was the day that my Tastefully Simple kit arrived. I've already coached my first hostess and gotten her stuff ready for her party next Wednesday. I'm talking to the next one tomorrow night. I can't wait to get started sharing these products with people! A friend came over and bought a box of beer bread tonight and just posted on FB about how great it turned out. I like when people like my stuff!!

And tonight I'm skipping karaoke so my baby girl can come spend the night with me. She has One Act Play competition tomorrow so I'm driving them downtown and hanging out with them until she has to be back at the school to board the bus for the final game of the season. Can't believe she's finishing up the first semester of her junior year soon. This life is rushing past at the speed of sound!! Can't keep them babies forever...

Halloweens Past (Part 2)

2010-10-29T13:30:00.000-04:00

Okay so where were we? Oh yeah... Store bought costumes.

So Kirin and James wanted costumes from the store and I was probably still having flashbacks to the Raggedy Ann and Andy thing so I relented and they got to pick some off the rack. This is probably one of my favorite pics of them of all time. I love how they used to get along so well!

The next year we went back to home made costumes that matched. Being the Star Wars geek that I am, I dressed them as Annakin and Amidala. Spare me the comments about them being married and not being brother and sister. You know we already dealt with that confusion in Empire. I'm just saying...

The last costumes I made them were probably the most complicated and definitely my favorite. Kirin (who had become very familar with the catalogs at the fabric store by this time) had fallen in love with a Genie costume. She wanted to be a Genie so bad that she couldn't stand it. I knew I was about to lose them to the storebought side forever so I went after this one with relish.

But what goes with Genie??? You guessed it... Major Nelson!! Well an Air Force costume was just out of the question but... He was an astronaut! Armed with yards of silver lame and a pattern for a bear suit, I transformed my baby boy into the cutest astronaut ever! And you know the best thing about that costume is you can use it to be a robot, or an alien, or even Elvis!!

They are nearly grown now. I don't have pictures of the years that James spent dressed in a black hooded robe with various creepy masks on. They all looked basically the same. I did MAKE his first black hooded robe and then I figured out that it was way cheaper to just buy that particular item. And I made Kirin's first cheerleader costume. Before they were "uniforms" and made to withstand all her athleticism.

I miss making costumes for them. Justin pretty much got shortchanged on the costume years by the divorce. He is the one who (not by MY doing) got dressed in some flannel and had pine straw stuffed into the sleeves and the neck to make him a scarecrow or (sans the pinestraw) a hobo. That was his daddy's doing.

Last year we took them to Spirit and bought costumes for all of them at the last minute.

I thank you for indulging me as I got lost in a few memories from the old days. Love your babies while you can. They grow up so fast. In the blink of an eye, it seems.

I think what I need now is to go see if anyone has candy corn on sale.

Halloweens Past

2010-10-26T21:45:00.001-04:00

Today I was looking through old pictures from Halloweens when the kids were growing up. I used to put so much effort into creating their costumes and we never managed to actually go trick-or-treating in them til they were older. Thought you might enjoy getting a look at some of them though!

In this picture, Kevan was your standard issue 50s teenager and Kirin was a kitten. It was her first Halloween, 1994. I took a sweatshirt and turned it into a romper and created a hat with ears out of part of one of the sleeves that I cut off. I added plastic jewels around the neckline for a collar. I'm pretty sure I did the whole thing with a glue gun and no sewing. I'm also pretty sure I did it in an afternoon.

Halloween 1995 brought us James. This was the first year that my obsession with "twin" costumes took over. These were a black dress and romper (premade) that I used fusible interfacing, Halloween prints, and paint to embellish. I would also like it noted that BOTH my children were wearing socks. I loved these outfits so much! They also had matching ones for Fourth of July and Grandparents Day.

When Kirin was two and James was one I made Raggedy Ann and Andy costumes for them. Unfortunately, because it rained so hard that year, they didn't get to wear them. Now if you're looking at this picture and thinking "That doesn't look like October" then you'd be right. The costumes were mainly red, white, and blue though, so I made them wear them for their trip to the parade in LaGrange for the Fourth of July. So in reality, she is three and he is two in this picture. Just in case you're keeping track!

Next blog...First store bought costumes!!

Sticking to Decaf

2010-10-21T09:05:00.000-04:00

I started drinking coffee again recently. More because of the ritual of having it brewing in the morning than for anything else. This is my parents' house and it's supposed to smell like there's a pot of coffee on. But I gave up caffeine as a regular thing several years ago so when I get any in my system, it takes a while for it to go away. I don't like that buzzy feeling that I get when my head is spinning and I can't really focus on anything.

Yesterday I decided to use the grounds that my dad left, premixed, of half caf/half decaf. What could a little bit do, right? Ummm... Lots. When you're not used to it, there's a lot of caffeine in 3 big cups of the stuff. And I know it's not the sugar that I use in abundance because a sugar high is different for me than a caffeine rush. Mainly because the sugar wears off in a couple of hours...the caffeine does NOT.

Oh and I've also almost kicked the need to have my coffee be a color other than dark brown or black. When I was a kid of say 2 or 3 (yeah I know...) they started giving me coffee that had milk and sugar in it, but it was in one of those old Navy (not Old Navy) mugs that has the blue stripes around it. The color of the mug made the white coffee look blue so I called it "Blue Coffee". Until my dear Aunt Dot passed away, she still asked me if I still drank my coffee "blue". And I do. Cept now they charge me $4 and call it a latte. Whatever. I'm down to half a cup of sugar (hyperbole at it's finest) and no cream or milk. That's progress right!?

After trying to go to sleep at 2AM and finding it difficult, and waking up uncomfortably throughout the night, I decided to go back to my decaf. The side effects were just too much. Plus when I woke up this morning I grabbed the Pledge and the Windex and started dusting and cleaning surfaces. Anyone who knows me knows that this is WAY outside my comfort zone!!

So for now...unless I have to drive 12 hours straight to get somewhere...I'm sticking to decaf! (But I DO have fully loaded for when you come to visit me!!!)

(Just for Jennifer: I gave it up when it was a choice between drinking a six pack of Dr. Peppers a day and living on meds for IBS, or just quitting cold turkey. I still drink it now and then but I KNOW when I've had it!! LOL)

Yes it was my first time...

2010-10-20T17:52:00.000-04:00

I know it's hard to believe that I've never been to the commissary before but it's true! Today was my very first time going to that mythical place that I've heard about my whole life. LOL It was pretty much what I had expected. Sort of somewhere between Frank's Warehouse Foods and Winn Dixie. The prices were pretty good but I'm used to buying stuff at Sam's where the cost per ounce is just so much lower. I think the allure of no sales tax helps a lot, too!

Anyway... it was nice to get out of the house and spend some time with my friend and her sweet babies. I am glad that I have so many younger friends who have kids that I can practice being a grandma with. I think I'll be good at it eventually but I'm seriously in NO rush to get there. I do see the allure of being able to play with them and then hand them back though. I remember being a mom with three young kids and it was TOUGH! I can't even imagine trying to start over at this age with another one. I'm totally cool with moving on to the next phase of my life. And considering what I do for a living, that's a decision that was a long, hard one to get to. At least by helping other people bring their bundles of joy into the world, I will have the opportunity to get some sweet baby loving in now and then!!

Happy Monday!

2010-10-18T20:15:00.000-04:00

How was YOUR day? Mine was pretty good, actually. Thanks for asking! Because I have wonderful friends who care about my mental health (LOL?), I got out of the house for a while today and went to BK to watch my practice grandchild play on the playground while I got some grown up girl time with two of my sweet friends! Because I wrote about it (now), and because I didn't pig out on fries, I'm counting that excursion as a score on Goals 1, 2, 4, and 5!

Got a call today from someone who is due in June. THAT would take care of Goal #3 in and of itself, but I'm also on the verge of committing to a new venture that will get me over the financial humps of not having a bunch of doula clients. It will also ~~enable~~ force me to get out of the house on a more regular basis. And that's a good thing, right?

Okay so now for my ~~whining~~ opportunities to give grace for the day. My ex is seriously just... I am praying for him. And for my kids. AND for the dog. Bless their hearts. Also, I made a phone call today that I've been avoiding for the last 23 years or so. So what if it was the wrong number. Getting up the courage to DIAL it was tough. Because I love my family, I will keep looking for the right number. It's the least I can do.

Dove Chocolate party is on Wednesday night! I need 5 or so people to come so let me know if you're available!!

New Goals

2010-10-17T09:17:00.000-04:00

I've been a bad bad blogger. I just realized that it has been a YEAR since I posted anything! I went to the trouble of making my site all customized and then quit writing. Blog foul.

So Goal #1 is going to be to post more often! I promise that I will try to get something up here at least twice a week even if it's not one of my 5000 word diatribes about bad service in a restaurant or what my life has come to be.

Goal #2 is to get out of the house EVERY day even if it is only to walk around in the yard for 10 minutes. I've become a hermit and that's not good. Hmmm... Maybe I can just take the laptop out onto the front porch??

Goal #3 is to find more clients for my doula business. Ideally I would like to have 2 paying clients and at least one free client per month. There's $50 in it for you if you find someone who signs a full contract. Seriously.

Goal #4 is to keep working on this getting healthier thing. I'm working with a Growth Group at MyChurch called Spiritually Fit. I've lost about 10 pounds and I have to keep going.

Goal #5 is to enjoy life to the fullest. Okay so I'm already a fan of this one but you have to put some easy goals in there right?

Stay tuned and let's see how things go!!

"I Told You So..."

2009-10-18T11:31:00.000-04:00

For those of you who blog...have you ever had the experience where a blog is just "gurgling" (for lack of a better word) around in your head and you know you're not going to have any peace until you type it all out? That's what this blog is...gurgle.

Fifteen years ago, about 15 minutes after Kirin was born I asked my midwife why more people don't know about homebirth. I found out that a lot of people have been afraid to talk about it because people would think that they were crazy or that they were endangering their children. I realize that homebirth is a deeply personal decision (and that it's not for everyone) but I told her that night that it was going to be my mission to tell as many people as possible about it and that everyone I knew from then on was going to know that it was a valid choice for most women.

As a result of that decision, I think that most people who know me KNOW that I've had 3 kids at home. I'm pretty up front about it and it comes up, or I bring it up, pretty quickly after meeting people. Let's get this straight though... I'm not telling people that I had my kids at home so that they'll think that I'm some sort of superwoman or because I think that I'm better than someone else who chose a more traditional hospital birth. I do it because I want people to know that homebirth is a choice that they (or their friends, or their daughters, or whomever) can make and that there is a support system out there for them. Most people tell me that they didn't know it was an option or that they wish they HAD known they could have done it.

I hear a lot of birth horror stories about how a person's baby would have died if they had tried to deliver at home. I spend a lot of valuable energy stressing out over whether or not to tell them that most of their problems were consequences of their choice of birth location. Mostly I tell them what I fully believe to be true... "I'm glad that hospitals and doctors are there for the women who need them." I also happen to believe however, that if more low-risk women chose alternative birthing options it would free up the medical system to take better care of the women who genuinely DO need medical care or surgical deliveries.

Okay all that being said.... I've known for a LONG time that I want to be a midwife. When Kirin and James were babies I got involved with the debate of Home vs. Hospital on the AOL debate boards. I started learning about birth in a more in depth way than I had when I had just read through What to Expect and The Birth Book while I was pregnant. I knew that I was heading down that path but with two little ones (and Kevan who was 9) I knew that this wasn't the right time.

One of my best friends was pregnant when James had just turned a year old and was having a tough time of it. As soon as she stopped taking her meds she immediately went into labor and I headed to Atlanta to pick up her son's father from the airport. By the time we got back to the hospital the baby had been born and all seemed well. Then I took the video home to transfer it to VHS so the dad could watch. What I saw sickened me and I cried for a long time. Thinking about it now still chokes me up. The way she was treated and the things that were done to her were horrendous. The staff didn't notice the camera because her sister is a nurse and was in scrubs. I won't go into detail but I can tell you that I will never sit idly by and let this happen to someone else that I love.

Three months later I lost my mom. I felt helpless and pretty much alone in the world. I kept going back to that birth though. I knew I still wasn't ready to become a midwife but I wanted to do SOMETHING about it so I went to doula training in FL. I learned SO much and felt like I could make a difference...one birth at a time. I spent the next few years attending births in Columbus (and Atlanta!) and teaching childbirth classes. It was a good thing. I felt like I was where I was supposed to be but still something was missing.

Circumstances changed. Life happened. Justin came along. I finally had to get a job working outside of the home that prohibited me from going to births. I spent five years working at a hospital but knowing that deep down this wasn't forever. I jokingly said that when I was 80 I was going to be catching babies finally but still the desire was there. I got back into school and every paper that needed to be written about my future always found it's way back to midwifery.

When I lost my job at St. Francis I thought my world had come to an end. I ended my engagement and moved back in with my ex husband for strictly financial reasons. For 18 months I've been looking for a permanent job that would allow me to have my independence back and searching for a way to keep myself from falling back into my old habits of relying on my ex for everything.

I found MyChurch on Facebook and a door hanger and thought that I'd give it a try. I was working at Hopegivers and I knew that God was trying to tell me something but I was still only hearing what I wanted to hear from Him. I kept on praying for what I wanted and not for what He wants for me. So I went to the tent and found part of what had been missing. My relationship with Him started to change and I saw people all around me that had that PEACE that I had been missing.

While I was working on a project for one of my last classes, I had to create a business that I would like to own and it was completely pregnancy and birth related. I was missing a person from my plan. I needed someone who wanted to work as a post partum doula and go into the home and help mom get accustomed to motherhood. Out of the blue I got an email from Imani. She introduced herself and said she was interested (even though she didn't know that I had this plan!) and when we talked I found out she was expecting her fifth child. She is this amazing Godly woman and she and I kept in touch over the months of her pregnancy.

I graduated in September and I had this plan to start grad school in November and keep going til I got my masters degree in Business Management. Keep in mind that this is all part of the plan to be able to handle the business side of my midwifery practice when I'm 80. Being a midwife is not lucrative and without the support of a full time job or a supportive husband I just didn't think I was ever going to be able to do it.

I kept praying and praying for God to help me find a job and to help me get out of this living situation. Then we started the Detours series at church. The first week Jeff talked about how if we stay between the lines of God's providential will (what we know to be true...that He loves us...that He died for us...) and God's moral will (things we know are right and good for us) that He will be able to show us and guide us to what He wants for us.

A couple of things happened that morning. First of all I wrote on my communication card that I wanted God to show me what He wants for me because I'm tired of struggling with decisions about whether to move to Atlanta for a better job or to stay here and work for less to be near my kids. And second, God told me to put $5 in the collection plate. Here's how the conversation went:

God: Kim I want you to put $5 in the plate.
Kim: Seriously? That's ALL I have!!
God: Just trust me.
Kim: But I'm hungry and I want to be able to get something to eat after church!
God: Just trust me.
Kim: Fine. Where's my wallet. (looking for wallet) Hey! There's a $1 in here! How about I put THAT in the plate?
God: Seriously? What did I tell you? Just TRUST me!!
Kim: Fine. Here you go. :::grumble grumble:::
God: You'll see...

I was probably a little more cheerful than that but not much more. But I decided to trust Him. I know that He provides. Heck He's been keeping me fed for the better part of 2 years now!! But to completely give it ALL to Him was a struggle...symbolic that there was money involved but it was more than that. I gave Him ALL my trust when I put that $5 in that plate.

Fast forward to 11PM. I'm snuggled under the covers watching House on Hulu because I'm behind on this season already. The phone rings and it is Imani. She is in labor and wants me to come sit with her until the midwife gets there. I get up all excited to be going to not just a birth but to a HOMEBIRTH!! WOO HOO!! The ex of course wants to know why I'm up and moving around and disturbing him and he grumbles that it's not my responsibility to go to this birth and that I need to be home as soon as possible. I told him that it was my priviledge to be able to attend and that I really want to get back into doing births and that I'll be home as soon as possible.

On the way over God and I had some more quality time. I asked Him to please give me the knowledge and the calmness to get through this labor. I asked Him for a safe and easy delivery for Imani since I imagined that she, and certainly her husband, were nervous about their first homebirth. I prayed for the midwife to have safe travels on the way from Auburn. And I prayed that the baby would be blessed and that God would favor him throughout his life. I just kept asking God to keep me between the lines. All day and all night...I kept asking that over and over.

There was a peace in the house and I knew that we were under His protection. Good thing because three contractions after I got there the show was on and on the fourth contraction dad and I helped baby boy into this world!

Amazing... AMAZING!!! Not only did things go smoothly but God was in my ear saying, "I TOLD YOU SO!!" He asked for my trust and I gave it to Him and He blessed me in ways I had never imagined!! All these years I've been putting it off and putting it off but I knew deep down that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Now I know WHY though... The thing that was missing was my trust in God. Knowing that the reason that I'm going to do this is because it is what HE wants for me and not what I want for me has made a huge difference. I have that piece and that peace that has been missing!!

On Wednesday I started a temp assignment that came up out of the blue which will carry through to the first of the year. I also found a midwifery program in SC that I can do as a distance learning thing and it won't break my bank. AND... the midwife is going to let me use her distance learning VHS tapes to get my doula certification back through CAPPA and she wants to take a year off so she said she'd send me some doula business.

Oh!!! And the $5!? So Tuesday report cards came home and James is NOT doing well in a couple of his classes so the ex and I went to the school for a Freshman parents thing. I registered for a door prize and won a $50 Visa gift card. You know what God said?

"I told you so..."

What now?

2009-08-03T07:47:00.000-04:00

Last night I completed the last paper and the last final for my last class as an undergrad. September 12th I'm set to walk across the stage for my BS in Business Management.

Wow...

How'd I get here?

Back in 1985...WAY BACK... I accepted a scholarship from Converse College in Spartanburg, SC. I was only 17 when I graduated from high school and went away to study music at Converse. In hindsite I was completely unprepared for life on my own. I was way over my head. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I came home shortly after my 18th birthday and went from hanging out with debutantes to working in a grocery store.

In 1986, at 18 and pregnant with my first child, I went back to school. This time I was staying home and playing it safe. I went to sign up for a marketing program at Columbus Tech and they talked me into studying Mechanical Engineering Technology instead. I really didn't know what that meant but they assured me that I was suited for it so I jumped in with both feet. I made great friends and spent a great couple of semesters taking classes but when I got chickenpox 2 weeks before Kevan was born, I couldn't go to school and lost my spot.

I spent a couple of years working in the banking industry and turning 21. All my friends were graduating from college and I was working and doing my best to be a parent even though I wasn't really sure what that really meant back then.

When my daughter was in kindergarten I met my future ex-husband. (Ironically, I referred to him that way from the start.) In 1993, married and pregnant with my second child, I went back to school again. This time I was at Columbus College/State and just taking classes for fun. I took my ENG101 class and then Trig and Calculus. By the time I finished Calculus I had already had my third child and school just got to be too much with three kids at home.

Fast forward to 2004. Divorced. Four kids. Working full-time at the hospital as a systems analyst. People all around me were working on their masters degrees and I still didn't have my bachelors. I took a long lunch and went back to Columbus Tech to enroll in the associates program for Management and Supervisory Development. They assured me I could do the whole thing online and that I'd neve have to stress over parking. Sounded reasonable and an hour later I was a student again.

I did about 18 months worth of work towards my associates degree and then the HOPE grant ran out. (I know the grant only pays for non-degree programs but you can use it to get all the classes that are shared by both programs out of the way and then transfer over to the degree program.) I couldn't afford to keep going and they didn't do a wonderful job of explaining financial aid so I left college for the fourth time.

Two things happened in 2006. First, I was evicted from my house. Facing the possibility of being homeless was a big wake up call and it showed me that once and for all I needed to get on the ball and get this education thing over with. Second, three people who I have a lot of respect for started going to (or were graduating from!) the University of Phoenix. I had looked at UOP a few years back and the cost was way too high for what I considered a second rate education.

Then I saw the difference that UOP was making in my friends' lives. One friend was finishing up his undergrad degree in IT management. Seeing the transformation that took place in him was amazing. He won't admit to it but he really grew in those few short years. He was starting his masters program and I realized that I was going to be completely left behind all my peers if I didn't get on the ball.

I made the appointment to talk to an enrollment counselor and we started the paperwork to get my financial aid and student loans started. Two weeks later I walked into a classroom for the first time in 12 years and was scared out of my mind. The thing that I found most amazing was that everyone else was just as scared...or MORE afraid...than I was. These were not your typical college students. We were all older and had more going on than the average 18 year old fresh out of high school.

Three years later I look back on my first team. Kym, Tovelle, Johulyn, and I were Team C. I got us t-shirts to wear for our final presentation. "Cool Cats Conquering College" They were pink. LOL We rocked. Sadly, I just looked for the three of them on Facebook and they're not there.

Classes came and went. Teams were formed, and tears were shed. I found out that you get out of an education what you put into it and my opinion of the University of Phoenix completely changed.

My cap and gown arrived last week.

It was hard to take it out of the box and look at it. Trying it on still harder.

So much has changed since I started out as a student 24 years ago. I have four wonderful children who mean the world to me. They probably wouldn't be here if I had graduated at 21 and become a famous opera singer. I have wonderful friends that I've made along the way. People who have changed my opinons and opened my eyes and helped me to make incredible memories.

And my mom is gone. I know she'll be there with me in spirit but it still hurts to think that she's missing out on all this. My dad and my sister will be there. I thank God for them every day. We've all been through so much in the last couple of years.

Here's the thing... The best is yet to come. God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. It's not up to us to know what the reason is and sometimes it takes 24 years to figure out why things happened the way they did. Things have been tough at times but it's the hard stuff that makes us stronger. Through the tears and the laughter we become who we're supposed to be.

Congratulations to my fellow graduates of the Class of 2009.

God bless you all...

She loved painting ceramics, cats, and dogs...

2009-05-08T08:08:00.000-04:00

So here's the thing... I think about death too much. Always have. I never thought I'd make it to the age of 30. I think that the idea of dying young makes life livable sometimes. Probably just the result of reading too many VC Andrews novels in my teens though.

30 came and went. 40 hit hard. I surrounded myself with friends and family and celebrated the milestone but inside I was still sad. The day before my 40th, my cousin's daughter died from an asthma attack. She was only 21. I felt sad for Debbie and for Jessica's daughter who would have to grow up without her sweet mama. And I felt sad for me for not being able to share my 40th birthday with my own mom.

I talked to my dad about death recently. My dad has lung cancer and we're waiting to see how this last round of chemo went. When we talked about death however, we discussed mine...not his. I told him that I had planned my funeral and he told me that if I were to go before him he would assure me that my plans were NOT carried out. LOL

Months ago I recorded myself singing Dust in the Wind on MySpace Karaoke because I want it played at my funeral over a powerpoint of pictures from my life. He said that was a no-go. He said that it would be too sad for people to have to listen to me singing after I was gone....and a little creepy. I pointed out that I was fine with that because I want people to miss me but realize that I'll always be with them. He didn't care. He said that if something were to happen me today I would have the most traditional funeral ever. One more reason to live I guess.

I asked Val what she is going to say when it's time for my eulogy. What stories will she tell about me to celebrate my life. At the risk of ruining it for my big day, this is what she came up with:

"I'd tell about you being a true blue friend - the kind that lets you run wild
in the class room while she's doing her ventriloquist show and not rat
you out to the teacher. The kind that will take the heat
because you're too chicken to fess up to your mother. The kind that
housesits while you go to your father's funeral. The kind that creates and
maintains a website so the world can know how your daughter is doing.
I'd tell about you wearing ugly ties and drawing on white sneakers
and eating watermelon and only corn and before school runs to the Sing
store. And the word we had in Ba for being able to turn on the hot
water in the bathtub with your toes. "

I gotta tell you...those were some awesome words and I shed a few tears when I read them! Val is the best speaker I know and I know she won't let me down when it comes time to lead the round of "remember when" stories on the big day.

Okay so let's get down to brass tacks. What DO I want to happen that day? It's probably morbid to discuss all this but frankly I think that "proper planning prevents poor performance" is never more important than on the day of your funeral. I don't want my kids to have to stress out over details. I want them to be able to enjoy the celebration.

I want the aforementioned music played at my funeral. If for some reason MySpace Karaoke is down I want either the Still Magnolias or Jon Lowery and Tom Eavenson to play guitar and sing for y'all. PLEASE spare everyone the organ music! Nothing sounds creepier to me than "Lady Marmalade" played over a loud speaker on an organ. LOL

Pictures abound. There are no excuses for anyone to not have good pics of me to share during the big show. I've been through too many experiences (okay 2) where we spent good grieving time looking for pictures for the funeral home to scan. Mine are already digital. Bonus.

I want to be cremated for a few different reasons. First of all I really hate the idea of the guilt that people feel when they can't get to the cemetery to visit a grave. Or worse, the panicky feeling that hits when you get to the cemetery and realize that you can't immediately pick it out of the masses. I'd rather my family think about me being a part of the earth somewhere than to stress over putting flowers out for me once or twice a year.

The other reason I want to be cremated....and I know this will never fly so it's going to take some diversion creation by Niki and Jo probably....is that I want my ashes shared by my loved ones. I don't care if you have to divvy me up in the parking lot after the ceremony. I want everyone to get a piece of me and do things that I never would have done.

Adam is going to take me on a roller coaster and scatter me there after a ride. Beth will take me to the ocean and let me loose on the waves (where I can assure you some shark will be waiting to gobble up my remains). Jamie will take me to Mardi Gras and let the good times roll right over me. And if it were to happen anytime soon...someone needs to make sure I make it to graduation on Sept. 12th.

I want lots of laughter and storytelling. I've been entertaining y'all for years and I don't want it to stop just because I'm not around anymore. Tell about the stupid things we used to do and the way I made you laugh until you peed your pants.

Promise to make sure that when my kids are old enough to hear the stories, that you'll tell them that I wasn't just a mom but that I was a person who loved them not just because I gave birth to them. And PLEASE remind them where they were born. I swear that if one more of them mentions being born in a hospital I'm going to holler. LOL

Let there be food. LOTS of food. But don't take it to the house where the kids have to deal with it. Get a pavillion somewhere and set up tables and grill some meat. I hear that Keith Edgar is the man to call for that. Find him on my Facebook page. And there has to be devilled eggs made with sour pickles...not sweet. And chocolate cake.

You might be wondering why I titled this blog "She loved painting ceramics, cats, and dogs..." I was reading the obituaries this morning (per usual) and this line struck me as funny. I mean...this woman probably didn't paint cats OR dogs but this sentence reads that way right? Make sure that my obit is free of typos and glaring grammatical errors. I'm not prewriting it (surprised?) so I trust you guys to make it entertaining.

Please don't freak out and think I'm planning my death or anything because I wrote this blog. I'm just a planner and I like to have my memorable events taken care of way in advance. It's how I cope with all the uncertainties in life.

Please make sure that there are no screechy singers and that the chocolate cake is nice and gooey. I'll be watching you know....

Giving Birth Again

2009-05-07T11:40:00.000-04:00

If you know me at all you know two things about me:

I'm passionate about childbirth.

I'm a procrastinator.

Here's my thought for the day...There's a reason that we are pregnant for so long. It takes time for the baby to mature and to get to a place where it can live on it's own. It starts out small and we nurture it as it grows and gets bigger and becomes a fully functional human being. That's the easy part though. While we're pregnant the baby is our's to bear. No one else can do anything to make it turn out the way it's supposed to so we have full responsibility.

As soon as we give birth though....we have to share. We can't do it alone no matter how hard we try or like to think we'll be able. After the baby is a fully formed entity we have to trust that we've chosen the right people to help us help this baby realize it's full potential. And I gotta tell you... that's a SCARY thought for a mom!

So here I sit listening to 80 YouTube clips in a row of Jason Mraz. (Yeah I'm a little obsessed. He's TALENTED though!) I'm sitting here listening to this playlist and writing this blog and avoiding what I should actually be doing. I'm supposed to be working on this paper for school that is the fourth part of my plan/proposal for a new business.

The problem with writing this paper is that the closer I get to being done with this paper, the more I get written down about this business, the more real it becomes. Frankly that kind of scares me. Having it inside and thinking about it is one thing. Actually doing it is a completely different story.

The comparison to childbirth is a very real one. I'm afraid that once I put this down on paper that I will fail this child that I've nurtured inside for so long. What if my procrastination can't overcome my passion? What if I can't make others understand how this is more than just a business to me?

I've had this business in my head...and my heart...for at least 12 years. It's in my blood and all part of the bigger plan of eventually becoming a midwife. I can't let it down. Much like I want my children to succeed and grow and become all that they can be, I want this business to grow and prosper and touch people's lives. Monetary gain is essential of course but also I need for this business to make a difference.

So I think it's time to start working on the paper. I feel some contractions coming. I've got my relaxing music on. I'm breathing...in through the nose...out through the mouth. No matter how many times you give birth though there's always some pain but the hard work is SO worth it. Hopefully giving birth to this paper...and eventually this business...will be just as rewarding.

Thoughts on Palm Sunday

2009-04-05T16:02:00.000-04:00

Today started out much like any other Sunday. My ex yelled at me and told me that I was indoctrinating the kids into a cult. Of course that's not the case. I'm pretty sure he doesn't believe it's an actual cult as much as he's just aggravated about me wanting to take the truck. In any instance, we are going to MyChurch and do feel like we've found a home there.

Anyway, this morning we took communion. It was Justin's first time and I was trying to figure out how to explain it to him. We already read the story of how Jesus fed 5000 people so I knew he'd relate the bread part to that story. As we dipped the bread in the grape juice and took our seats I put my hand on Justin's knee and thanked God for letting me have such great kids and for giving me His kid.

Then it occurred to me... God gave us his KID. When Jesus was born he was just a baby. We read about that. (Yeah.... Jeff gave us homework to read the gospels last week, and since I have no JOB I did it.) We read about Jesus hanging out with the disciples and going from town to town. I get that part too. I understand that He came to earth to teach us about God and died to pay the price because we'd never be able to.

When I became a Christian I was in high school. I had just started driving when I took the plunge. It would be a few more years before I became a parent. The concept of parenting was still very foreign to me. Four kids later though... I'd do anything for these kids. I would take a bullet for each and every one of them. I love them more than life itself.

So I got to thinking as I sat there in church with my 8 year old son. Justin is an angel to me. Yeah he tests my patience on the daily. Yeah he can be willful and disobedient. But I still love him. And I got to thinking about Jesus and what He must have been like when He was 8. And 13. And 14. And 22. What must it have been like for God to watch Jesus grow up? How much pleasure did it give Him to see Jesus learn to walk, and talk, and make friends, and learn about life?

I'm pretty sure God feels the same way about Jesus that I do about my kids. He IS the only begotten Son and all. God loves His Son at least as much as I love my kids. Yet He sent Him here to DIE. Death!! Do you comprehend that?? That means that God loves US SO MUCH that He was willing to sacrifice His OWN KID for US!! That's fairly heavy stuff.

If God loves us so much that He's willing to let His Son die on a cross for us... what is there possibly on this earth that you or I could say no to if He asked it of us? What bigger sacrifice can you imagine than the life of one of your kids? Your ONLY kid? If you're reading this and you're a parent you have to understand one thing...God loves you. A LOT.

I'll leave you with that to think about.

P.S. Next Sunday is Easter Sunday. That means a few things... There will be more people in church than usual so go early if you can. We're having a full breakfast at the 8AM service and I'd LOVE to have more of my friends there! It also means that the Easter Bunny is coming. Don't be like me and wait til the last minute to remember that! Oh and it also means that I can go back to using Facebook every day! (I'm happy to report however, that I haven't missed it as much as I thought I would!!)

The Notebook...Computer

2009-01-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

I was talking to Niki last night and we were discussing how some people are concerned with the quantity of pictures of ourselves that we have amassed. Seems like some people think that it's because we suffer from low self esteem or have no self respect because we share pictures of each other with friends.

Well of course my first response was... Why does it matter to you? What effect does my having a lot of pictures of myself have on your life? It must be nice to have your life so well organized and taken care of that little things like how many pictures another person sends out can affect your mood. I mean... one must be pretty together and have very little to worry about if I'm on their radar right?

Then I thought... Wait a minute. Don't people with low self esteem hide from pictures? I post them because I think they look good, not because I think I'm ugly or fat or whatever. I think that I probably have a little too much self esteem if anything. LOL I certainly have more than the average person. WAY more than people my size usually do!

I've always said that this picture thing started when I realized I was turning 40. I never thought I'd get this old. Seriously. I didn't think I'd make 30 either though so... But right before I turned 40 I got to thinking that I'd better take some pictures so I can remember what I looked like when I wasn't old. (Because 40 is old! LOL)

So then...when I started taking the pictures with the phone and figured out how to get them on the computer, taking them all the time became second nature. If I'm having a good hair day or have done something with my makeup that I want to remember...I'll take a picture. Or if I'm having a good time and want to remember it forever...I'll take a picture.

The reason the pics are of me and not of everything around me is twofold. One is because it's a phone people. It doesn't take good pictures from farther away than an arms length. It's not even a GOOD phone like Jo's! You get what you get with phone pics. And since I was raised at Olan Mills, my head automatically cocks a little to the side and tilts forward whenever I see a camera. And the other reason is that because with all the crap I've been through, I need to be able to look back and say "See? You CAN be happy! You DO know how!"

So anyway...I said to Niki "When I am older and more demented than I am now, will you bring my laptop and show me pictures every day to try and remind me that I used to be your friend?" I told her that every day she can bring the pictures and read me the emails and tell me about this girl who loved being around people and who liked to laugh and smile. And when it finally dawns on me that this girl she's talking about is me I will throw my hands up in the air and shout "Woo Hoo!!" because I will have remembered that deep down I am a "Woo Hoo Girl!"
I think I should get cardio points for how long we laughed about it. Definitely worth 10 crunches because my stomach was aching from the laughter. But it felt good. I wouldn't trade it for the world. In fact... If I hadn't been on the phone with her? I'd have taken a picture of it.

So tell me? What are you doing to remember this time in your life? Edie Brickell sang it "Good times bad times give me some of that" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ8muQ0PMJU

Live a little. And take some pictures. I want to see!

Saying goodbye to the past...

2008-10-29T23:02:00.000-04:00

I can't believe AOL is closing down the member pages. I mean... I CAN believe it because without paid members providing a revenue stream there's nobody paying for all those sites to be out there. Still though, it's SAD to me that all those sites are going away. For a lot of us, those were our first attempts at web publishing.

It is interesting to look back at what I had on my AOL space. If you get to this before they take it down you can see for yourself (http://hometown.aol.com/KWilson318/index.htm). It was done with a template in Front Page that makes me cringe still. LOL But the content is there and that's why people have been complimentary about it for so long.

I checked the file manager while I was copying it all to a Word document for archiving. April 2001. Justin was a baby. We lived in Pine Mountain. September 11 hadn't happened yet. That was the day before Daren's 40th birthday. It was the day our golden retriever, Jack, got hit by a car on HWY 27. (Jack survived another few years and was fine even without the surgery they told us he would need.)

Most of the information had been assembled before on a different site that I had posted. This was just the first place that I had it all together. I was inspired to work on it while I worked on a site we did for one of our Loopies who was dealing with the first anniversary of the birth and death of her daughter. It was a site that chronicled the making of a quilt that the 20 or so of us had created and sent to Lisa.

Looking back at this site makes me remember how much I love being around birth and babies and pregnancy. A friend recently commented that "Kim gives good midwife by phone." Truth be told it was through text messages. LOL But I DO love helping people with their pregnancies and their births. I miss being around pregnant women. I miss labor.

So the question now is...what do I do about it? The ultimate goal of course is to become a certified professional midwife (CPM). Fat lot of good it will do to attain that in the state of Georgia right now because of our archaic practices here. See...the thing is...while it is legal to have your baby at home if you want to, it's still not totally legal to have a qualified attendant. Crazy right? We have to DO something about it.

The Department of Public Health’s Midwifery Task Force is meeting to determine whether or not the state should once again license direct entry midwives (most of whom are now CPMs) since the law states that a licensed midwife can practice even though they stopped handing out licenses in the early 70s. Again...crazy.

But whatever... I can't realistically drop everything in my life right now and start studying midwifery anyway. I have to pay my bills and finish school and get my kids raised. Maybe when Justin is older and I get married or hit the lottery...then I can go back to doing what it is I really love.

For now though...just be nice to me when I start asking questions about your birth or your plans for birth. I promise I'm not judging you for doing things your way. I'm trying to be helpful. And if you have any questions...I really WILL find the answers if I don't already know them.

Running on faith...

2008-09-02T08:30:00.000-04:00

Okay how long have you known me? If you've known me a LONG time you probably know that I did the whole...go to church and get baptized thing...when I was in high school. And then I had Kevan and pretty much gave up on the church. Some people were not so nice. When I married Daren...a confirmed agnostic who used to be an atheist so at least we're making progress...I pretty much walked away from it all.

I've always pretty much kept whatever I was feeling to myself. I'm a big believer in everyone's beliefs being valid for the most part. And I've never felt compelled to tell someone that they were going to hell because they believed something different from me. (Except maybe for Mormons but that's a whole other blog...)

When my mom died and people came up to me and harassed me (okay it felt like harassment at the time okay?) about not having my kids in church, I pretty much drew the line in the sand and convinced everyone that I was NOT a Christian anymore. I was hurting though and just wanted to be left alone about it.

The thing is, no matter what I've ever said to anyone or done or whatever; even though I've gone through some periods of doubt...I've never stopped believing. I felt like I needed to keep my mouth shut about it for a long time because of my marriage (maybe that's why it didn't work?) because I felt persecuted if I even mentioned it.

Reading the Christopher Moore book "Lamb" and then reading "The DaVinci Code" didn't make me question whether or not God and Jesus were real the way some right-wingers thought those books would. What they did for me was to solidify in my mind what my heart was already telling me...that Jesus was a real guy and he had this life that he gave up for what he believed. I'm not opposed to the idea of him having a kid or a wife or a best friend named Biff. Those things don't make me pull away...they make me want to be closer to him. If he was this perfect creature then it was no biggie for him to give it all up. But if he had this cool life with friends and a wife and a kid, the sacrifice was bigger. I can appreciate it all the more.

Okay. So let's get this out there once and for all. I am a Christian. That's gonna be a shock to some people. I feel the need to say it. I know I don't walk the walk OR talk the talk. I need to do a better job but basically, I'm a good person. I don't lie, cheat, steal. or tolerate those who do. (Okay so that's from the honor code I signed as a Freshman at Converse but it still applies) I've never killed anyone. I'm pretty sure I'm guilty of some gluttony and adultery now and then. But I'm pretty clean on the big 10 and the seven deadly for the most part.

The last few months have really tested me. I'm a firm believer in the concept of everything happens for a reason and when it's supposed to. What I don't usually add to that for fear of offending people (and yeah...I'm not gonna change on this one) is that I believe that stuff happens because it's part of a bigger plan that I have no control over.

That's not to say that we should just sit on our asses and not do anything and just wait for God to put us where he wants us. I do think that when he doesn't like the way things are going....those things will change. I've seen evidence of this a LOT in the last few months.

Some examples... MOST people don't know this but when I first started working at St. Francis, I had a really hard time going on the nursing floors. For MONTHS I couldn't go on the floors without getting upset. I had spent so much time up there when my mom was sick...before hospice...that I freaked out whenever I went into a room that I could picture her in.

Another thing to note is that my dad has worked at St. Francis for about 10 years longer than me. Everyone knows him. Everyone loves him. The reason this is important is because when I lost my job I thought my world was pretty much coming to an end but two days later we found out my dad has lung cancer and I felt this peace that I can't explain. As distressed as I was about not having a job...I was that much happier that I didn't have to be in that place where my dad is always just around the corner. Even though he's still here and still doing chemo and still fighting the good fight...he's not THERE. And to have to face that every day...and all those people who probably mean well but who would be constantly on me about it... Well that was just about the biggest blessing I can imagine.

So then I lost my house. And a good portion of all of my stuff. Mostly that was a freak out until I realized that I just had too much STUFF. And it's just stuff anyway you know? I had ample time. I didn't lose anything this time that I will wake up having nightmares about missing like I have in the past. I would have kept trying to hold on to that house and all that stuff and God knew that it was pointless. That eviction was a blessing.

Well you know by now that I have moved in with my ex husband. How in the hell is THAT a blessing??? LOL Well... I'm spending time with my kids. They didn't have to spend the summer unsupervised. I was able to get Kirin to cheer practice. We were able to be the house where the neighborhood kids hung out for a couple of months. Daren worked all day everyday so we had kids over for Xbox games most of the time. My kids got to make friends and now they're a part of this neighborhood. They've never had that. If I hadn't been here they wouldn't have gotten to do that. Blessed.

I really fell hard for someone. I made the mistake of being honest about it and I think I scared the hell out of him. For whatever reason...and I'm not questioning it...things never worked out for me to go see him. Good thing. Cause the Saturn would NOT have made it. All those trips to Savannah and the trip to Destin and the car did great. But driving across town to see someone that I honestly (in hindsight of course) had no business going to see...and the car just died. I'm sure God had a point that day but...I'm not perfect...I went anyway and had a couple of stiff drinks to boot. The blessing in all this is that Mark acted the way he did and I didn't get stranded somewhere between here and Suwannee. (Still waiting to see what the blessing in not having a car is! LOL)

All these jobs interviews and talks with recruiters and resumes submitted... and NOTHING. The thing with TSYS would have been a great job but I would have been away from the kids a lot. Then Daren lost his job too and we agreed that whichever one of us gets a job out of town would help keep things going back here so the kids don't have to be moved. He basically said to me..."If I get a job out of town, will you please stay here in the house with the kids and let me pay the bills? You can get a part time job to cover your expenses but I'll pay the rent and utilities and pay for the food...I'm just tired of moving them around."

I agreed of course. Seems like a blessing. I can finish school and get my MBA knocked out and get back on my feet. Just have to find Daren a job somewhere that will pay him what he's worth. I had to just have a talk with God and let him know that I was being as patient as I know how but....you know....could we maybe get the show on the road?

Last night in class I pretty much broke down on break and three of the most beautiful...wonderful...loving...caring...women I've ever had the pleasure to know... They talked to me. They told me to stop being negative. They told me that it will happen. They told me to be open to God's plan. I tried to explain that I'm not a generally negative person but that I'm just about at the bottom of what I can handle and that the only thing that is keeping me going is knowing that my dad is still around.

This morning I called Manpower about the job that I talked to them about last week. For some reason (blessing?) the background check still hasn't come through. I asked her what else she has. She told me that she had two positions but that they both paid about 2/3 of what I was looking for and that one of them was only part time. I asked where they were and one was in South Columbus and the other was only a couple of miles away. Of course the part time one was closer. She asked me if I could interview at 10:30. I looked at the clock and it was 9:15. I told her I'd be there.

She called me back with the address and the name of the person doing the interview. I googled the organization and was pretty much skeptical and dumbfounded at the same time. (Don't worry...I'll link you at the end) This small, non-profit, Columbus, GA based organization is the support for this very large system of homes in India and Africa for widows and children.
I got to the interview and all the rules for interviewing went out the window. The woman talking to me asked me a question about St. Francis and I pretty much lost it and told her that I felt I was taken out of that situation for a reason. I got all teary eyed. Then she told me how she wound up there. We BOTH got teary eyed then. When she told me that the person who is vacating this position is her sister and told me why she was leaving...I pretty much couldn't contain myself.

We talked about the organization and what needed to be done. We talked about the strategic plan, the marketing, the need for globalization of the donor base...We talked about what we could do to fix things that just aren't working. Oh and did I mention that I just spent all this time in class studying about globalization and specifically in the issues concerned with moving into India???

Then we kinda remembered that I was interviewing for a job as a data entry person. LOL She asked me about my typing skills. I told her they're pretty good. I self correct and that slows me down but my accuracy is through the roof!

And then she asked me where I go to church. I told her I'm a member of record at Fairview Baptist but that to be honest I don't attend services. I told her that I had to be honest and that I don't believe that there is any point in telling other people that they're going to hell. She informed me that they have Bible study every morning from 8:30 to 9 and then they have chapel. They also pretty much insist that all employees be a part of this. She told me that they have one employee in India who is Hindu but that they all pray for her really hard.

I left there thinking that there is no way in hell these people are going to want me around. I'm pretty much a heathen most of the time. I argue about most of the things I read in the Bible. I'm not a quiet, unassuming, chapel-attending kinda girl. That being said... I think there is a place for me in their organization. Even if it's for a short time. I called Manpower and told her all this and she apologized for not giving me a heads up on the situation prior to sending me in but that it all happened so fast...

Then she called me back. Terry really liked me. She thinks that my strong personality will keep me from getting run over by the other women in the office. They want me to do a skills assessment. They're going to email it to me and I'll do it and send it back or whatever. My skills are fine. (There are those who say I have mad skills! LOL)

Jenny from Manpower asked me if I was going to be okay going there. I told her that it actually works for me. The hours are 8:30 to 1:30 so I'd be done in time to get home before the kids. No long afternoons. No late nights. No people who don't understand why my kids are the most important thing. Plenty of time to get my homework done.

Plus here's the thing... I feel like all this other stuff that has been breaking me down... I feel like I'm supposed to be there. Does that make sense? I feel like this is what I need for ME right now and that I can make a difference for these people too. If something happened to daddy I feel like this is the kind of environment I need to be in. Not like at St. Francis where I felt the need to finish the daily report before I could go to be with Debbie and everyone when Aunt Dot died. I think these people would be more supportive than that.

So anyway... I guess I'm just trying to explain what I've been going through. I know this is probably a huge shock to some people. Most folks probably think that I'm just the vapid, shallow person... LOL I really do have a lot of stuff going on inside. I'm just good at hiding it.

Oh! And the website is http://www.hopegivers.org/ Who knew this existed in Columbus, GA???

Friday Night Lights

2008-09-02T08:24:00.000-04:00

I've been to a lot of high school football games in my day. When I went to Shaw I went to nearly every home game for four years. When I wasn't at a Shaw game, I was at a Smithstation game watching my cousin. Since graduation I've been back for a few homecoming games and I've spent a lot of time down in the end zone with GB while he was paid to keep the peace. I even went to a JV game or two with Kevan when Northside first started playing.

Nothing...none of it...prepared me for tonight. Kirin made varsity cheerleader her first time out as a freshman. We've been really excited about it for a few months but up til now it's just been lots of practice and theory. We didn't know how things were really going to be.

What we did know is that Shaw has one of the best programs in the state. Two years ago they were state champs. Last year the only team we lost to in the regular season was Carver...the eventual state champs. We know that Shaw has a good, strong squad. We also know that Carver lost last week to Central in Phenix City....and that we had to play Central for our season opener.

Kirin had dinner with the squad at Ruby Tuesday and we picked her up in time to take her to the game. Daren, Kirin, the boys, and I got to the stadium at 6:45 for an 8:00 kickoff. It was hot and sunny and I just KNEW it was going to be a bad time. At first there was grumbling about it being hot and us having to wait so long for the game to start.

Then the sun went down. The stands filled with loyal fans, proud parents, and teenagers who just wanted to be seen. The band, what there was of them, marched in loudly playing cadence on the drums. The flag girls were in perfect formation and properly regimented. Central's band took the field to play the National Anthem and we stood to honor the flag...most of us anyway.

The kickoff was a little shaky and Shaw took possession with pretty good field position. It only took a couple of plays though and a Raider broke loose and ran in for our first touchdown of the night. The band started the fight song, the cheerleaders danced, and the parents yelled. There was a penalty on the extra point and on the second attempt they failed to get it through the uprights.

Shaw 6 -- Central 0

It didn't take long for Central to even the score. They unsucessfully attempted a two point conversion and the score was tied at 6 all.

Shaw 6 -- Central 6

Shaw couldn't be kept down. We ran the ball back in for another touchdown and this time went for two to make up for losing the extra point before. Shaw intercepted the ball and scored again. It went on like this until half time when Shaw was up by a couple of TDs.

Shaw 26 -- Central 14

The third quarter was fairly slow. But with five minutes left in the fourth quarter, the game took off like a lighting bolt. Central scored again to bring them within 5 points.

Shaw 32 -- Central 27

Central kicked off to Shaw with a little over 2 minutes on the clock. We knew we had to score or run the clock out. The kickoff went deep into the end zone so we took possession at our 20 yard line. We weren't making any forward progress and on the 3rd down, the quarterback dropped back to pass and was sacked for a loss of several yards.

We had no choice but to punt. Our only hope was to keep them out of the end zone until the clock ran out. Less than two minutes to go. We held them on the first couple of plays but they kept charging. The clock was running down and they kept getting first downs.

With about 90 seconds on the clock they ran the ball in for a touchdown. Central's crowd went wild. Shaw's fans saw the flag though. We yelled and hollered as the referree marked off the 15 yard penalty. They had to go 20 yards in a minute and a half to beat us.

Shaw's crowd was louder than I can ever remember hearing them. The cheerleaders were doing their very best. Even the football players on the sidelines were encouraging the crowd to get on their feet.

First play we held them. Second play we held them again. Third play they got through and made it to the 11 yard line and a first down. First down they made it 2 yards to the nine. Second down we held them back. Third down they made it a little closer.

Fourth down. 45 seconds on the clock. They were on the 1 yard line. We did our best but they made it over the line by inches. Central scored. Shaw was in shock but managed to deny Central the two point conversion.

Shaw 32 -- Central 33

We now had 39 seconds in which to move the ball down the field for at least a field goal to defeat our first team of the season. The team who...just last week...beat our rivals 27 - 14 in an unofficial preseason game. The crowd was so full of hope and enthusiasm that even Daren was on his feet and couldn't sit down.

First attempt at a pass was complete for a 10 yard gain and a first down, but the player failed to get the ball out of bounds so the clock was still running. Next was a run but only for a few yards. The next pass was incomplete but the clock stopped with 10 seconds to go.

The play started, our quarterback dropped back for a bomb and sent it sailing to his receiver who appeared to be fairly open. A player from Central hit him from the right so hard that he lost his helmet and missed the catch. The clock ran out. We lost the game.

Final Score

Shaw 32 -- Central 33

It was, without a doubt, the best night of high school football that I have ever watched. It was even better than the night Dan Kosobucki kicked the field goal in over time that put Hardaway on top of Shaw and made Danny Little cry.

I wasn't prepared for the pride I would feel while watching my daughter cheer...and Michael Ryan run...and the band play the fight song. I was a little overwhelmed by the emotion that I felt every time they scored a touchdown. I was unprepared for the love I felt for Kevan and Tiel for their coming to watch Kirin and the way that Kevan got along with the boys...and even Daren...to watch the game. I was REALLY unprepared for the joy I felt when Daren was explaining the game to James, who may still decide to play next year.

Tomorrow UGA plays Ga Southern. It'll be bigger boys, with more polish, and more on the line. It'll mean hearing the Redcoat band play Glory every time GA gets across the line. We'll get to see the new UGA for the first time.

But it won't be like tonight. Tonight was about heart. Tonight I was proud, once again, to be a Raider.

Why am I here?

2008-09-02T08:14:00.000-04:00

Well here's the thing... I had this great blog YEARS ago but it seems to have disappeared. No worries. Nothing that I say is THAT relevant anyway. And, to quote Hillary Clinton, "Every moment wasted looking back, keeps us from looking forward."

With that being said... I'm going to copy some of my MySpace blogs over here so that those friends of mine who haven't succumbed to the soul sucking social network of choice, can still find out what's been going on with me.

Careful about rushing to judgement based on my posts though. If you think I'm talking about you...I'm probably not. Don't get your panties in a wad. Just read the words for what they're worth and move on.

Let's waste some time....